Semangat Lari Balik... and I talk about yoga.

Actually, I have always been semangat.

 Actually, tak.

To be honest, ever since I discovered ashtanga yoga, I am lazy to do anything that involves me to go out of the house wearing clothes... erk, not that I practice naked. Cuma less baju to wash. Dengan tudung nyer lagi etc etc.

Why do I like ashtanga so much? Because it is a good replacement. It physically, mentally and emotionally challenges me just the same. The practice usually takes me about 90 minutes or 120 minutes to complete, depending, and it requires you to focus.

When I came to yoga it was because the doctors said, "Kau lari lagi kau kayuh lagi aku patahkan lutut hang!" (Badan lembik perasan baguih) Ntah2 dier tambah dalam hati. So I went. I came to yoga entirely for a physical practice.

Then somehow it changed. Ashtanga is hard. Period. It has about 5? series - one series have probably about 30 or so poses - and they keep getting harder. Most people will only do first series, maybe two. A few get to do third and beyond. I have been doing first - or primary - series for literally a year now.

The major difference about ashtanga and my 'tri' training is the spiritual aspect of it. Whereas multisport os a world where you need to kinda exude confidence, ashtanga needs you to be really humble. If your balance is off that day - check, did you unintentionally hurt someone? It's a grounding practice, one that goes with my faith.

But let's talk about the physical aspect. Here are a few of my favorite primary poses:

  
This is called bhujapidasana. The full pose requires you to lower your head slightly to the floor, and lifting back up. This develops your arm strength tremendously. My swimming has never felt better. One of my favorites.


Lolasana. I have not yet gained that strength in the hip flexors to lift my feet up.


Kukutasana - Christy Turlington, a dedicated yogi, nailing it. I love this one too.

Here are the poses in second series:


Pincha Mayurasana - I totally love this pose. Took me a while to develop that upper body strength to kick up. Can only do it supported, with my toes against a wall.

I could share more but here's one that I am currently practicing:


Eka Pada Koundiyasana - I could only get to balance for a split second before my arm strength failed me. Love the work I am putting for this, a third series pose.

Anyway, the stronger I get with my practice the more I yearn to start a regular running practice back. I do run, usually once a week, or twice on a good week, and cycle once a week, but it's not satisfying enough. Now that the first series is getting a tad easier, I feel like I want to incorporate running as a cross training... how funny is that? Would be good for my legs to develop some strength that could help me with some hard balancing poses!

 Onto my running practice... twice a week, first. Baby steps!

No Competition

Tuesday: SS class. It was insane. I hate it that I am naturally competitive with myself. I get mad that I couldn't do certain things.

Thursday: Ran a normal 5.4k. It was low key and I was a bit tired from lack of sleep and a heavy day at work.

Friday: SS class. I was drenched. Nothing to say except that I want to be good at this fast... all for the right reason.

I keep telling myself to not let my ego gets in the way. When I was a fast runner, I was a little bit too chuffed. And now I can't never ever get that speed again without being in a wheelchair afterwards. When I was at my 'peak' in cycling, I got a little bit too heady too, and then got into that accident where originally I planned to smoke people up the hills. We never got to go that hill, cause I crashed. And after a long break, I am slowly getting back to that level.

Now my SS class. I signed up for the first series out of the six series and it's challenging. If you can do all the poses well, you can advance to the next level. But these poses are hard. They require you to engage body parts you wouldn't even imagine could be engaged, and sometimes your mind can't do them. I am told to come to the class with an open positive mind but sometimes I get disheartened... and it's supposed to HEAL me.

I guess it comes to my intention. Do I do these sports so I could show off to people, or for myself and my health? After taking up the SS class, I try to reassess my goals and intention, everytime. It's easy to let your ego gets in the way. I guess I was a little bit into my head, trying to master all the sets just because if I did, it's considered awesome. And that's the reason why I never could.

Anyways, looking forward for a great sports filled weekend.

Updatess

(written today)

Just got back from a tough intense session as usual it's getting harder as the students turnout remained the same. Sensei is not that lenient anymore and my push up still suck. One thing that is good about this is that I am working on my speed so much. We have to run laps doing incredibly tough negative splits - this is in running terms and I bet the sensei doesn't know that; all he knows is asking us to complete the lap in 1 minute, then 50 seconds then 45 seconds and so one. CRAZY!

I did a half-assed brick session yesterday. since I missed riding last week due to rain and schedule, I was told to warm up my legs by cycling around the neighbourhood - even for 2km, using the heaviest gears. So I did, and cycling around neighbourhood is dangerous, well, when you're not wearing a helmet and wearing clipless shoes. there's just too many junctions and cars! but there's this slight incline that really worked me in heavy gears... i found myself cheating a little bit by switching to lower gears hehe. my back hurt! After about 25 minutes of mindless cycling I went for a short run. that was good since I felt strong if you didn't take into account my knees.

Looking forward for tomorrow's workout.

(wrote this on Tuesday)

Today was such a great intense workout! I felt so glad that I dragged myself off the bed at 5am and steeled myself against going back to sleep. So many thoughts went through my mind - I didn't have enough sleep, didn't really have a good full dinner, etc, - anything to bail out of this workout. But I reminded myself that I WILL feel good at the end of the session.

And I was right.

Today's session was meant to be tough. We started with basic drills, then a 5x20 seconds of strength exercises working on each major muscle group: arms, core, and legs. That means 5x20 seconds of arms, 5x20 seconds of core, you get the idea. Then we had to do jumping kicks for 2 laps. And REPEAT to doing karate drills. FOR ONE HOUR.

Karate is just sooooo, well, satisfying.

Last Sunday, I hit the pool. I miss the pool. It doesn't feel like a workout for me, and if it does, I feel more like a sexy mermaid than a drowning whale (although while doing drills I am the latter... never the former). That Sunday, I felt energized. The pool was empty - totally devoid of people. Syok nooooo. I fantasized on doing 2k, but will take at least 1k of swimming to keep me happy. That's my worst case number. If I was REALLY feeling sick, 800m pon jadi laaa.

Seperti biasa, warmup with 5x100m. Time tu la stretch aper yang nak stretch. berangan2 sikit while swimming, not caring. Then the set begins. I can't remember now what I did but I limit myself to 10-15 seconds of rest before I start again. I finished the set with a few drills, semestinya my favorite - the baring malas tepi drill. Didn't feel like it was a drill, seriously. Maybe I was doing it wrong the this whole time.

Everytime I see people running or talk about running, I feel like going running. It is such an easy workout, yet I find myself making excuses not to go. I just get bored easily nowadays with running. When I look at my bike, rasa nak pecah meronta2 tuk ride. Tapi sometimes the logistics of this sport makes me feel lazy. But when there's a will, there's a way. Especially if you are riding with someone so f@#$king good. Camana la dier tahan ngan aku ni.

Ramadhan Plan:

Monday: Rest

Tuesday: Run

Wednesday: Cycle kanak2 riang ria tepi rumah.

Thursday: Yoga

Friday: Cycle/Yoga

Saturday: Buka Puasa gathering!

Sunday: Run/Rest

Have to swim as much as I could for now!

Hello Again

2 years ago, I discovered sports events. My life somewhat changed, rather subjectively whether it was for the better or worse. For the first time after my university days I had a proper routine, and I was dead set to follow it. My friends and family thought I was crazy.

I was a 13 year old girl in love. Nothing mattered.

Three pictures I want to share with you guys:

This is a picture of my cousin who succumbed to leukemia at 23 years old. I took this picture, when we had just arrived in Bali. It was a cousin only trip - my sister and I, him and his brother. I can't remember how old we were when this trip happened, but he was in remission then, and just a regular old guy again, talking about girls and music. I still get pangs thinking about his absence in our family, and I think about him more so when I am exerting myself during a hard run, swim, ride, drills, pose, even when I am eating a good meal, or getting a good pay. Life is not always good, but at least we're living it. Thank You Ngangah, Assalamualaikum.

Lone runner in Hyde Park. Hyde Park remains to be one of the best place for me to run, and I don't know whether it's because of the whole scenery or the fact that it was such an emotional catharsis for me at one time. I must have ran it daily, sometimes twice a day, with the company of the album by Dirty Three (She Has No Strings Apollo). That was truly the time where I felt that running was a reliever, whereas now running has a meaning, or a goal, to be addressed. I am looking forward to have more runs like that this year, hopefully with none of the emotional baggage included.

If I want to sum up my sporting triumphs with just one picture, this would be it. I believe I have posted this up before, and will continue to be a favorite of mine. Why I love this picture is not really hard to guess: it was a picture of me haphazardly doing my first triathlon race. This picture for me captures the spirit of what I think sports should be: a mild passion of doing something you love, without caring about anything else. My bike was the cheapest and the worst off in the lot - I bought it for RM800. The tyres don't match, the frame was too big for me, my helmet was only 20 bucks (I still use it till today, until the accident cracked it), and I was wearing probably my favorite workout essential until now - a cotton tshirt. I have never embraced the dri-fit material. I had no idea what to expect, and I struggled badly during the transition, but I LOVED the bike portion. I passed about 12 women during this leg.

I got a better bike now, but to be honest I still think that my cheap ass bike was the best. It was steel, and steady like a boyfriend, and made me work harder than ever. It still baffles my mates how I was faster in the steel bike than I am in my carbon. I guess it was because things were new, and I had no expectations.

This year, I'm starting again my routine, whatever it is, after two weeks of complete abandon. And it will start today, insyaAllah.

Being Healthy: A Promise

This is the part where I hate the most: when you're too engrossed in your work that everything else goes out of the window, with everything else being your healthy habits, be it body or food.

I get too tired to workout after work. But being me, there's just so much of complaining that I could handle before I take matters into my own hand.

So my work tires me out. BIG DEAL. I'm not the only one dealing with a taxing 8-5 job. I'm not the only one stuck in traffic feeling like a droopy flower in the car. Life is a choice and I can complain about how I do not have the time or how wiped out I am or I can just suck up, get myself some exercise for the benefit of my health.

"It's not the number of times you fall that matters but the number of times you
get up."--Confucius

This requires some re-arranging. I get tired after work... maybe PM exercising isn't working out for me. I remember back then when I look forward to AM cardio. I love it like no other but when I started working all that changed. But maybe, maybe I could squeeze in some earlier cardio... if I'm really so inclined.

The problem with that is: running is the only thing that works. No karate gym opens at 6 am, and I'm not bloody well going to swim in the chilly pool or skate/bike in that ungodly hour alone!

And did I forget... I can't run?

I could join classes again, make it fun, just a social thing after work, not really a workout. But I am BROKE like a broken tape player. I can't afford to spend money more than I can't afford to spend my time.

This looks bleak.

The ONLY choice is - SUCK IT UP. I guess that's what I have to settle with right now. I can't listen to myself complaining about how I miss my workouts anymore without driving me crazy. You miss your workouts? Then what are you doing laying down on the sofa with a book on your snoring face?! At 9pm!

I realize I'm talking to myself here.

So I'm putting this down right here:

• I promise I will try to stick to weekend workouts. I can bail on weekday workouts if I absolutely have to, but weekend workouts are a must. I need this because your body is a temple and you have to take good care of it.
• Take one workout at a time. No pressure, just go ahead and dive (or roll or punch, depending on what you have) right into it.
• EATING RIGHT STARTS HERE. EATING RIGHT STARTS TODAY. No more salty, extra processed food and too many sugar intake cause Nadia are you ignorant - you're one step behind being a diabetic. Let me bold that for you.

Forgive everyone while you could. Be grateful for the smallest, least wonderful thing in your life everyday.

GET ENOUGH SLEEP.

Call your parents. Smile at strangers. Not old, aging men with too much money to spent. And no, you can't tell them apart sometimes.

Today, I will try to workout. But if I fail (because you're yet again too mentally exhausted), there's always the weekends.

Awakening

It was a nice Sunday.

I had a late night the day before. Hung out with my friends and boyfriend and it has been a long time since we all met up. Harris asked me if I was going to workout tomorrow. This is how it's like with the both of us. At the start of our night out we'd ask each other this question: Are you going to workout tomorrow? because then whether we stay out late or not depends highly on this question. I told him, I don't know, and to be honest, I really didn't. I wanted to work out, but I haven't hung out with my friends for a long time and felt like... being a carefree young trash and staying up late. Instead of clocking in early because I have to wake up at 5am.

I think I came back at around 230am. I told myself while stumbling to my bed, I'm NOT going to do anything but sleep tomorrow. There's no way.

I think about a few minutes later, I woke up to the sound of the alarm and it says 545am. And without thinking I sat up with a start, and tell myself, If you don't drag yourself out of the bed you'd regret it for the rest of your life. Yes, I was being dramatic but I really needed the push.

It was the best decision made. For the first time in my life I arrived early. I think I was the first one to arrive. Met the usual group of people - people I haven't seen for months! They all greeted me and I felt like, hey I miss this. It's not often I like doing social workouts but here I was, milking the attention of being out of the scene for quite some time.

So we started. And to be honest I have been gone so long I didn't care about time or pace or what have yous. All I know is that I just wanted to have fun and push myself the hardest I can push. I compare myself to no one except only me. I began assessing how I feel and how better it felt the hotter it gets, the harder it feels and the longer it goes. I left my friends at the back and quickly settled at the front. I knew nobody there - mostly males, a couple of females. I felt strangely elated pushing through the hardest of the routes, especially amidst the groans of other people, especially if they were males. I didn't care if in actuality we were all slow I was having the time of my life. I felt fine. I felt like I was in a race, racing. I still have it, I tell myself, elated at the thought of being able to sustain the pace and the position of being at the front.

I just needed proper nutrition, that is all. All throughout the whole thing I could feel the cramps slowly sneaking to my calves and my thighs and my stomach, thanks to my only water nutrition plan and only a bar of oats in the car on the way to the place. When we went uphill I was careful not to clench anything I shouldn't clench. I kept my breathing even.

I was so proud of myself that day.

And here I am, craving for more. The Sunday workout has awakened the fire in me, stirring up the kind of passion I have sidelined for other things in my life temporarily. The fact that I held on, pushed hard and could go as far as I did that is a preview of what I could do with proper training and nutrition.

I want to see that goal achieved.

9 breaths

At work, I wrote to myself:

Today you will workout. You will try to do a one hour of cardio, but you can always settle on your 'at-least-it's-done' 30 minutes. Nothing shorter, because I know you are stronger than that.

Truth to be told, I was lazy. I was mostly tired from work, and I didn;t really sleep well, I am still recovering from a gastric attack, etc. But I needed to slot that one quick cardio in. I knew how good it feels at the end.

So I did not give time for myself to think. I just stopped work, drove, changed and got to move. And what do you know I loved it. I think I tortured myself quite badly. I felt like fainting. Then I got headaches. I was definitely hard on myself. What I like to do was to imagine that I have an upcoming tough race to participate and my coach was the same one I had for track in high school. He was brutal and he yelled at your ass to GET THE LEGS MOVING!

My workout dynamics have certainly changed now. I have no idea when, and how, but I do know why. I want to get faster and better. I want to be stronger. No longer do I take it slow and steady, training my already solid mental and physical endurance. I enjoy speedier, short bursts of anything now. I like finishing a workout with my heart burning.

I did not burn enough today. I kind of regret that now.

Ever since I read about pushing one's own limit, I am obsessed with the idea of testing myself. I never did that - test my limits. I never HAD to, or wanted to. I was happy doing my sports and coming in last for all it's worth. I didn't want to beat anybody; I just wanted a workout. The only time I found myself tested was during the sundown marathon and that was because I was underprepared. I survived pretty much anything because I know I couldn't stop.

But suddenly I find myself loving this pressure. Wanting the pressure, needing the push. I am not satisfied if I got home with energy left to do laundry, watch Tv, etc. I want to be hammered.

I have to miss out two of the upcoming events that I'd already PAID for thanks to work. But it's an overseas trip so I'm not really complaining, plus I know I would enjoy the FAT (that's factory acceptance test). I'd be bringing my fivefingers and I wish I can bring my other boyfriend but he's quite heavy and won't fold easily. Oh well.

I still have 2 and a half more days before I disappear for 11 days! Make them worth it!

Marathon Marriage

We endured the marathon just like we endured our marriage.

The first few kilometers, we were high as a kite, excited to embark on this journey that will CHANGE OUR LIVES. We held hands, excited to be in this long and arduous journey together. We were well prepared; ointments for cramps and hydration and everything else you need for an event of this magnitude. We were confided, young, happy, and oblivious to what was in store for us.

In the middle of it, gone were our rhythmic pace. We were no longer in sync; no longer running on the same wavelength. We didn't see eye to eye - you said maybe we should hold on and refuel later; I was more careful and suggested that we should stop and drink now. When I stopped for cramps and blisters you barked at me. I got annoyed when you had to tie your shoelace for the millionth of times. We only agreed on one thing: there were so few of the goddamn water stations.

I was thinking maybe we needed personal help.

Kilometer 30: absolutely nothing was beautiful. I couldn't remember why I thought this was so exciting, why I thought spending all this time with you was worthwhile. I couldn't even remember why I fell in love with you. Our flaws and ugliness reared their heads. You snapped at everything. I cried and then got silent. We were distant even though side by side, and I was unable to break that wall. Cramps started to camp in my body parts - calves, stomach, neck. I missed the early times we were together. Have our patience waned when our energy dropped?

26.2. When we reached the chute, my heart soared. You held my hand; gingerly we ran the last few meters together. Crossing this line, we came to an understanding. Our marriage, like the marathon we ran, will never be easy. We will lock heads over strategies and decisions. I will bonk hard and you will cramp out. There will be few water stations and many lonely and desolate moments. We will be faced against our darkest inner demons. But giving up was never an option. We will suffer through this marathon of our marriage, over and over again with the will to make it to the end. We can always train for it. Our love will get us through it.

Even if we have to finish it crawling.

Stirred

Starting over is my favorite part of this whole game.

The stacking workouts. The increase of distance, repetitions, intensity. The back to back routine.

The hurt to get there.

People ask me, "Are you a professional athlete? Are you doing sports competitively? Why the training to get better if you're not going to race/win?"

Because I want to. And in my world, I am the number one athlete, and that's enough.

Awesome Saturday Run

Went to the lake after nearly a year abandoning it. Wanted to see how I would do after putting up a solid base of endurance from a multitude of sports compared to last year, when all I did was just run. True enough, the so called hilly part of that lake is now reduced to just a mere flat with 2 inches of heels, now that I know the true meaning of inclines and hills. Ran 2 loops with shoes on, just to see if my feet missed wearing it. No luck. I felt shitty wearing it and chucked it off, replaced it with my fivefinger I stored conveniently in the car. Just like that, I felt my blood surging. Got competitive and started hunting. There was a guy in orange who was a novice runner but speedy, and I started chasing him down, taking my time, slowly pacing, until we reached the fart of a hill, and I ran my way up so fast, giggling inside like a banshee. And then I told myself, what the heck, since you hardly run anyway, why not make this the hardest tempo run in your life. Make it hard, make it uncomfortable make it the worst run in your life. So I ran harder, ran faster, heart in my mouth, ready to come out in puke if I allowed it. I picked up my legs fast, hard, ran as if I was Flo-jo, feeling strong, feeling like crap, feeling the wind in my ears and the heart burning burning burning...

What a nice goddamn 8k.

Change As We Know It

Today I realized something about myself: I'm always in a neverending quest. A quest of finding that one thing that would 'change my life forever'.

I admit it started when I was in home from the university break. Was watching television with my mom on this Everest expedition and she was like, "I would love to do this... if only I was younger." That last line woke me up - there I was with my mom who looked pretty resigned folding up clothes, and I was young. I had all the time in the world for to do something big! But then studying took over and I forgot about all the things I told myself I would do/try.

Then my 6 year relationship ended. I grew up with this person, our families were almost like families themselves, so being all on my own again was quite tough. I remember crying my heart out on my bed one night and then jumped with a start, took out a pen and paper, and did a list of, 'The Things I Would Like To Do This Year.' I became obsessed with the concept of time, continously asking myself, "It's day 56 into 2006 - what have you done that you could be proud of? What have changed for the better?" The idea of doing something crazy appealed to me so much. I WANT to have my life changed by an experience. I want to become a different person because the current me was heartbroken and pathetic.

And so I started. Some things were big (scuba diving license), some things were small (learning how to master chopsticks), but none were insignificant. Each achievement meant that I was one step away from the girl he knew, and one step closer to the 'new' me I wanted to be. I was heartbroken enough to do the scuba diving license alone, with only 2 men for company. I think I didn't talk much for the 3 days. I came back raving about the species I saw... but I was still the same person.

The cycle continues - I went on a one week turtle conservation program only to suffer from diarrhea. I spent 2 semesters volunteering at PAWS where I would commiserate my lonely life with all the unwanted kittens and cats (side note: please spay/neuter your pets!). I taught art to a bunch of 3 year olds only to realize kids are not really cute after 5 minutes of being with them.

Then it was the major backpacking trip across West Europe I planned with my housemate. Reading other people's description of their trips, where almost 90% of them claimed that their lives have 'forever changed', I banked my hopes up so high on this one. I was fresh out of university, stressed to the seams from a very trying final year project/thesis/finals and I just warmed my traveling legs with a 14 day backpacking trip across Central Java. I couldn't wait.

We went. We got lost so many times, starved for most days, slept at train stations/bus stations/beside the toilets, harrassed by rowdy Irish roomates, argued (with each other) in Paris, bullied by the German punks. I had my running shoes and went running whenever I could. I waited for the change to take over. I wondered if I was going to wake up not remembering anything at all, like an amnesiac.

54 days later, I trudged up the stairs to my room, feeling very much the same like the girl that bounded down the stairs with her new 50L backpack on. I still have moodswings. Sadly, I realized, I am pretty much me, the same girl, no matter where I am in the world.

Then I took up sports. Seriously.

Which brings me to today. I was browsing through some websites and I glanced across a blog post title that said, "The race that changed my life forever". I stopped, and realized she was talking about mountain biking. Not interested.

But whatever it is, that made me think. I would always be the girl that would be attracted to screaming headlines of people claiming THIS or THAT changed their life forever. I think this is why endurance sports appeal to me so much - it is always different, everyday, all the time.

I always thought that when you become a new person the change would be like a total relevation - an epiphany - instant and obvious. I never considered that you change slowly but surely, sometimes without realizing it. I have always been someone who gives up easily. I rather stop than fail. My life previously would be a lot of DNSs and DNFs. But I remember finishing the longest ride ever totally blown away by my ability. And that dark times at km 36 completing that goddamned marathon. I don't give up things so easily now.

So in a way, I have changed. And will look forward to change more, for the better. Sports have given me this amazing space to try and explore sides of me I didn't think I had. I learned to reign in, let go, learned to push, learned to socialize better (I always have problems with this!). I eat better too... (teringat kat Magnum almond...dah la puasa).

Have a Good weekend!!

What If?

Last week I read a good article from a female athlete. It was good because it struck a point - she asks whether we have that "what if?" attitude in our training. 

 In my quest to keep my sports as stress free as possible, I have somewhat lost that determination to get better. In the midst of a group anything, whenever somebody passes me, I tell myself to let it go and concentrate on the good feeling I'm getting. Over time that need to overtake has been tempered to a mild competitive streak that occurs very rarely. And then I wondered why I am not getting any better.

 Last Saturday, I decided to give that "what if?" thing a try. For everything I think I couldn't do any more, I'd ask myself - "What if... I try to tackle this hill harder?", etc. This would be a great effort for me since I don't really like disappointments. Disappointments when the what if didn't deliver.

 So for the first stretch when everyone picked up pace instead of falling back and being the good ol' sweeper I gave it a try. Pushed a little bit. Asked myself, "What if I did this stretch faster than normal?" My heart was racing and I was worried that I'd lose steam too early in the route. I worried that I won't be able to last until the end of the workout. Usually at this time the uncompetitive me would say something like, "Maybe you should slow down... it's not like you're a Pro anyway." But this time around I went, just do it! and let myself rip, charging other people like a first timer.

 Yeah, I did lose steam after a while, and it took me a few minutes to get my heartbeat back to normal. But I was glad I pushed it, glad that I asked myself the "What if?" question. And the best thing is, I enjoyed it too, even if so many people passed me by since I was panting like a drunk dog.  but at least I knew I could push myself hard. And harder only makes you better. My karate teacher was adamant about beating our own record. For every stretches we do, he told us to do it longer or farther than we did previously. Change, he says, keeps everything constant.

 How often do you push yourself harder than before in your training? 

 

 On a different note, I like playing sweeper. I guess it's a good practice for me to keep my ego in check. I remember that we were all newbies one time, the last person to arrive, hating ourselves for being out of breath and slow. Being the sweeper makes me feel good because I know I helped keep a person company, as well as teaching myself to pace.

  Also when you become a sweeper it means you're just too good but you don't advertise, instead being kind enough to facilitate the newbies. If that isn't an ego boost (however imaginary) I don't know what is! Haha.

It's OK

Yes I'm indecisive, but this time around I think I'm pretty sure about it.

I'm pulling out of the SCKLM. I might be there just to accompany my dad in case my cousins aren't running, but I'd prefer if I do my own thing instead of being by the sideline :) (or maybe be Kash's sergeant of arms for her kedai runcit... after all, I worked as a sales assistant during uni for years!)

Sunday I was up and ready to go for a nice long run to just give some juice back into my dormant running legs. I went out for a warm-up run and only in the third km I felt a slight pinch.

I continued my run again with the company of a good running friend. The conversation was good, the weather was blisfully humid (we started at 840 am) and my mind and heart were psyched. I was ready to run longer, albeit slower. Things were looking up, and my body was warm enough to the point where I nearly started to hum. The only problem was my knees were complaining of being overworked and they did not like it one bit.

They made a point to tell me about their unsatisfaction every single pounding step. But the run was getting good, we were just warmed up and in my heart I could go on and on and on with this. This used to be my walk in the park.

But I'm not stupid, and I refuse to be foolish for the second time around. I cannot run anymore, well not at that time. I can't - and won't - let me ego of running yet another marathon or a much talked about race hinder the progress of my recovering knees. I still have other events to run in, and I'm not going to spoil it by forcing my knees into submission, to which they simply won't.

This is the tiring part of running, the part where I almost always go back and forth between throwing the towel, or exclaiming, "I love running!" I'm tired of juggling between want and can't. It's highly demotivating and such a downer to keep on worrying about nagging injuries.

But it's not the end of the world.

I had a great Saturday, and for that I am grateful. It wasn't as good as last last Saturday, to which I would put up as the benchmark for the best workout performance ever. I have come to totally cherish who I am turning to instead of just being resistant to change. There is a different possibility in my athletic capability, in my future athletic journey, and to be honest I am more than fine to accept it.

Let's have a perfect week ladies and gentlemen.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." — Maya Angelou

One Comment Too Many

Yesterday was a workot session of mixed feelings. I always love getting my heart pumped up, and that's the only good part of the workout yesterday. Well, I know it's a skill/form honing session, but really, do I have to be commented on every single second? Am I that bad, that horrible? Have I been doing it horribly wrongly the past years?

It was really hard to keep me optimism in check yesterday. Worse of all is when too many people tell me contradicting stuff - I'm going too fast, so I slow down then the next guy says, hey, you're not even pushing it, don't be so relaxed! - and I ended up completing the whole thing totally self-concious about how I do it. Isn't the point of working out is to enjoy? I do want to improve but really, give me a break! One thing at a time please, not asking me to simultaneously work on my arms, leg and head while I suffer from a nervous breakdown in the midst of training.

Oh well... it's called a training for a reason, right? Serves me right for 'wanting to get better'. But do I need more than 3 people telling me what to do? And all different comments.

In the shower afterwards I took my time to keep myself in check. Comments are good, and I should welcome all tips as a positive, not a mental downer. They're just trying to help, is all. But really, I don't understand it when other people have 'urges' to give out comments or tips. I never gave out any because I'm certainly no expert in running, etc.

For example, running in mid-sole vs heel strike. Different people runs differently, that is all. I've met runners who've been using heel strikes their whole life and seem to be just fine. Just because I can't use heel striking, and that mid-sole running is much more encouraged, doesn't mean EVERYBODY has to do it. I understand that, why can't some people?

There's this one guy who just gotten serious with running. We were talking about my five fingers when I told him that I'm wearing it to correct my running stance and he turned to another friend of mine who's really, just a social runner and said, "Did you hear that... heel striking is BAD. Igt, front landing ok?" I was just thinking, dude, really, how do YOU know it's bad? I love the fact that you love running and make the effort to read and learn as much about the sport as possible, but really, who's to say that she should DEFINITELY run with a front landing? I certainly don't preach to people about converting to mid-sole running or whatever.

My motto is - if it ain't broken, don't fix it. Easy. Whatever works for you right? We're all running for ourselves here, and unless you keep getting injuries, you should just stick to your style regardless of what people tell you too. Unless you want to be faster, and if by changing forms could help you with it, by all means, go ahead! You need to train following your goals and tweak according to them, whatever they might be (to finish fast, or to just complete the race, etc).

Anyway, I have nothing against receiving feedbacks and comments, in fact, I appreciate them. I guess last night was one comment too many (from various people) which lead me to feel mentally down, and plus, it was that time of the month for me, so you know, bring on the emotional messss. :)

Happy Weekends everybody! My cardio menu seem quite full for it. Yay!

Friday Ramblings

I guess everybody has their own reasons for being sedentary.

I used to hate time-offs. In school and all throughout university, a pause in my work out regime throws me off the loop so much. Maybe because I didn't really have a goal to train for before, therefore it was always harder to start again what you have stopped. I realized that it's easier for me now to let go of a day - or days - of training if I was feeling tired, sluggish, or even lazy. Unlike in my student days, exercising was not just something additional in my life that I could take out like a block - it has become a lifestyle. And with that mindset change, I am less severe with my workouts, knowing that I'll get back at it in a few days' time.

A lot of girls complain about their ugly tan lines but I love mine so much that I feel sad when I see them slowly fading. For me, tan lines are a visual proof of how many hours I put into the sports I enjoy so much, a unique sort of body markings that only mutual weekend warriors share. Sports have truly strengthened my identity and foothold in this world. It is one area where I am truly proud and confident in. I might not be the speediest swimmer, the strongest cyclist, the fastest runner, the toughest karate opponent, or the most flexible yogi, but I am relentless and continuous, like the sine wave. I like the fact that I could hold on holding on even through the worst moments. I like the moments of self-doubts that I faced, the periods where I would go back and forth between "Maybe I should stop," and "No maybe I should continue." And to come out of it in the end, scathed, tired, injured sometimes, but beaming inside. And the best of it all when I celebrated my own victory to myself, feeling the burn of pride and joy inside me like a bad gastric attack. There's nothing more wonderful than that.

I am feeling a little bit under the weather. Agaiiiin, I heard you say. Yeah I am tired of feeling sick too, but the body (or antibody) wants to do what it wants to do. I think it might also be because of the hard workout session I did last night. It was a comeback sort of cardio, and it was nice to forget about goals, race, time or form. I was glad to be doing it with the company of people whom I have considered great friends.

Weekend is here! I love the weekends. I have sort of a good cardio cocktail for this week but with my fever I'm not too sure. I guess a lot of us here are hitting more and more mileage for the upcoming KL Marathon. I really need to do a proper LSD one of these days. All of my long distance offical runs were always done without proper training and preparation, which always results in poor performance if I was inclined to keep score. But I enjoyed every single one the haphazard race I did, so that's what matters!

Rabid Runners

"Running is like mouthwash; if you can feel the burn, it's working." Brian Tackett

I've never really considered myself a rabid runner until a friend told me I'm crazy for having more than one running shoes. Honestly, after hanging out with like minded runners for nearly a year online and offline having 3 or even 4 shoes is a natural thing for me. I definitely do not think of the habit as being crazy.

But then I recalled a time when I went to this cyclist's house and he has - wait for it - about 6 bikes in his house, hanging from the walls in his living room. "There's more, in the back room, " he told me amusedly, as my mouth gaped open at the beautiful (and expensive) mess that is his house. I never knew why you needed more than one bicycle.

The same thing goes to running. For a normal runner, one shoe is enough. That's all you need. But over the period of time you sort of know what your feet needs, and what your body wants. and if you like one shoe and like to run, you want to have at least another identical pair.

As for me, I have been running in the same one shoe all throughout uni. It was also the one pair I used for all other sports - which was a killer now when I think about it. Currently I have 3 pairs of running shoes. One is in my parent's house in Nilai, another one is in my sister's house where I live now, and another pair is in my car. Other than for the different location, I also have 3 pairs because:

a) I don't want to wear them out fast.
b) One pair is my favorite for big races.

I also have a pair of trail running shoe, and various pairs of running socks. I'm not sure whether I've used them all. I think I went crazy during one sporting house sale and got suckered into buying all these socks. I usually wear mismatched socks anyway.

Last year when I was really into running, I would just buy a whole running ensemble (t-shirt, sports bra, running pants, socks) WITH shoes if I felt the urge to run and didn't pack my bags. Yes. It was bad enough that I work in the same place as KLCC, where going shopping is as easy as just punching in the elevator button to which level. The sales person there were all too familliar with me at one time. I was DEFINITELY crazy at that time.

Anyway, went for a run yesterday. Just a simple 6k, with both my ankles feeling sore. I was diagnosing them as I completed my run - shin splits? PF? Tendonitis? - and actually had fun doing it. Who am I kidding I'll always feel the pain when I run now so I figured might as well just bear with it and run within my limits. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who pushes through their running disability. In an interview Bart Yasso - the famous person behind Runner's World and the creator of the Yasso 800 marathon method - talked about his Lyme disease and how it has damaged one side of his body - the ankle, the hip joints and knees. He said that his, "right leg is always in pain. It's kind of like if I get out there and get in a groove, I forget about the pain and enjoy hanging out with the runners."

Also another good point from him, when asked what advice he has for runners - newbie, aspiring, competitive:

"First off, just commit to and go for it. Don’t be afraid. Everyone is scared at first. Second, you’re in control. Run within yourself. Be your own person. Don’t let the big picture get in your way. Someone’s always last and someone’s always going to beat you no matter your level. It’s going to happen. Just enjoy it. When I stood at the start of Badwater and the race director said, “1 minute until the start!” I suddenly realized I had never run past 26.2 miles ever. This race is 146 miles! At first I thought, “Whoa! This is pretty scary!” But then I chilled and told myself, “You can do this. Just keep it fun. If you enjoy it, it will come to you. Pace yourself and enjoy every step.” And, that’s what I did. It’s hard to image that running 146 miles, every step can be enjoyable, but it really was, and I think it was because that’s the attitude I started the race with. The mental side of our sport it a huge part of it. When you’re able to control the mental side, you can do great things. One thing about running is that there are no short cuts. It’s an arduous sport. You’ve got to be happy with little gains along the way and just keep working at it. If you can do that, you’ll be around a long time."

Nice To Know You, Friend

I have a new friend, and her life is the total pits.

I met her on a rainy Wednesday evening. It was drizzling, stopping anything soon, and I felt wistful, knowing that to run afterwards would be a very therapeutic feeling. But my knees won't appreciate the therapy.

My new friend is blind in one eye, from an accident when she was 3. Her husband left her for another woman, and she is left fending for her kids and coping with the cost of life in the form of mortgage, car loans, bills, and everything else in between. My new friend lost her father recently, and she told me that she has lost the only man who loved her truly and never let her down even for a second. Also, she has a weak pair of legs, shuffles everywhere when she has to walk, which is often because her car breaks down almost all the time ("This car reminds me of my ex- husband," she told me wryly, "because it always gives me shit.") Her youngest is suffering from Lupus, and seems unable to motivate himself to enjoy school. She was a swimmer all throughout high school and university even with one eyesight. She was fast, a waterbaby. But since life bogs her down so much all her glory days is a gift she reopens once in a while at 3am in the morning when she couldn't sleep.

That is my new friend, and her name is Perspective. I come to her if I want a dose of Get Me Out of This Funk. Being young, and unharnessed, and sometimes impatient, I tend to forget that it's not the end of the world if I couldn't run. I go back and forth from being Miss Spiritual, Life is Great to WHY AM I STILL NOT RECOVERING?

So here it is, Perspective. Do I want her life? Or mine, which is - when you look at it again - not so bad at all. In fact, I am going to for a nice long walk after this, and enjoy the view. I could still enjoy blue skies and dogs marking trees and insane traffic jams, whereas Perspective can't. Not completely.

So, no brainer here.

Fellowship of Girls

I had a fun time last weekend with 2 wonderful girls.

It's true what we've been told many many times: the most important element in anything we do (but in this case, sports) is the mental strength and willpower. I remember reading from somewhere that in most cases during a testing or a trying race course, the mind gives up 40% earlier than the body, and when it does, the body follows at an alarming speed. Also, a friend once told me, "If your mind told your body to stop, it will stop. So don't tell it to stop, and it won't."

My benchmark for my own willpower changes from time to time. When I was doing a steady flow of 10k races, it would always be the worst 10k run. If I could survive that, then this 10k is nothing. And then I went to Nepal, which for me was a test of mind, with the heavy bag and knee pain and the elements of weather and the endless miles. Every race after that, through a struggling phase, I'd remember the worst memory in Nepal and told myself to push through. This usually happens when I go up a really monstrous hill or during the last leg of a long race where you just wanted to stop.

Doing a lot of sports at once helped me with my willpower. While a particularly testing pose in yoga where one had to squat for a nice steady 4 minutes, I forced my mind to think of this particular time when I cycled up a really bad hill. I could do this, the burn in my thighs now is nothing like the burn I felt then, I told myself. When I am climbing up a hill and just wanted to stop pedaling, I went back to the time I in-line skated up a hill in Kiara and nearly went backwards from the lack of strength. But I made it, and therefore I MUST DO IT.

The worst hill I climbed was this one hill in Kg. Limau Manis. It was a short one, but very steep. I have never faced hills like that before. I think it only took me about 2-3 minutes? but it was the worst 3 minutes ever. All visualisation of other bad moments failed when I realized I was about to reverse back downhill. With nothing else to do, I chanted a steady mantra of, "Just go forward just go forward just go forward," and, "Tahan sikit tahan sikit tahan sikit tahan sikit," until I reached the sweet end.

The worst race I ran was Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon. I did a half-marathon, it was a gruesome distance to run with bad knees and feet. I felt the pain at 2km and it never let on until the end. I started to fight with myself at 16km, and I think it was only thanks to my mind that I managed to finish the race. In one interview Joan Benoit advised, "Don't look at the mile markers," but that's what I did. It was horrible chasing for one signage to another. I just wanted the race to end! The only saving grace was that my whole system had given up except my mind. I just admitted to the pain and suffering and told myself that at one point this will all be over but before it does, I'd probably just have to go through it. Not fighting to keep optimistic or to distract myself was the best thing I did on that race. I just surrendered to become the walking dead.

Last weekend was a new benchmark for me. I did not know how I did it, but I certainly did. I think I yelped and cried out, "I can't do this!" at 3km to the end. But I had an amazing company of a heavily mustached man who was beside me pushing and also a fantastic girl who was an awesome showcase of the mantra, "Just keep going." It was a sweet victory to finally stop. It was there and then that I wished to God I did not cry out, "I can't do this!" at the last leg. I need to be stronger than that!

I need to remember this for the next one. No crying out.