9 breaths

At work, I wrote to myself:

Today you will workout. You will try to do a one hour of cardio, but you can always settle on your 'at-least-it's-done' 30 minutes. Nothing shorter, because I know you are stronger than that.

Truth to be told, I was lazy. I was mostly tired from work, and I didn;t really sleep well, I am still recovering from a gastric attack, etc. But I needed to slot that one quick cardio in. I knew how good it feels at the end.

So I did not give time for myself to think. I just stopped work, drove, changed and got to move. And what do you know I loved it. I think I tortured myself quite badly. I felt like fainting. Then I got headaches. I was definitely hard on myself. What I like to do was to imagine that I have an upcoming tough race to participate and my coach was the same one I had for track in high school. He was brutal and he yelled at your ass to GET THE LEGS MOVING!

My workout dynamics have certainly changed now. I have no idea when, and how, but I do know why. I want to get faster and better. I want to be stronger. No longer do I take it slow and steady, training my already solid mental and physical endurance. I enjoy speedier, short bursts of anything now. I like finishing a workout with my heart burning.

I did not burn enough today. I kind of regret that now.

Ever since I read about pushing one's own limit, I am obsessed with the idea of testing myself. I never did that - test my limits. I never HAD to, or wanted to. I was happy doing my sports and coming in last for all it's worth. I didn't want to beat anybody; I just wanted a workout. The only time I found myself tested was during the sundown marathon and that was because I was underprepared. I survived pretty much anything because I know I couldn't stop.

But suddenly I find myself loving this pressure. Wanting the pressure, needing the push. I am not satisfied if I got home with energy left to do laundry, watch Tv, etc. I want to be hammered.

I have to miss out two of the upcoming events that I'd already PAID for thanks to work. But it's an overseas trip so I'm not really complaining, plus I know I would enjoy the FAT (that's factory acceptance test). I'd be bringing my fivefingers and I wish I can bring my other boyfriend but he's quite heavy and won't fold easily. Oh well.

I still have 2 and a half more days before I disappear for 11 days! Make them worth it!