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I always think: if it weren't for my knees, I would be smoking everybody.

On days when I could not go on because of them, I get moments where I think, "why?" And then I realized that this is such a small thing. I think the reason behind this is that maybe God is telling me something. If I didn't have bad knees or shoulders or what not, I would be such a conceited ass. In high school I was a smug athlete. I got annoyed at slower runners. My purpose when running is dropping others behind. I knew I was good, and I think I let it go over my head.

Now my knees and shoulders keep me in check. They allow me to do sports without letting my ego gets the best of me. At anytime I started to excel and thus, smugness sinks in, they get to work. Too many times I had to pull out of runs, rides, tournaments because of my knees.

It sounded like a curse. But I chose to see it as a blessing.

This week was one good example. I did another long distance event this week, and although not the first, or the fastest lady there, I was strong. I kept a nice pace (I think all the years in cross country taught me well in pacing myself), I handled my nutrition well, and I kept it together through all the crazy hills. People commented how good and how strong I was despite poor mileage and lack of training. They mentioned it several times.

I started to get a big head.

The next day, another long distance event. I was all prepped, thinking of all the praises heaped on me when I finally finished it. The pictures they will take, showing me in action, people going, wow nadia is so strong!

My knees acted up. And I had to say no. Because although ego is a big thing, I think experience and the smartness of saying no is better. I've learned my mistakes when I ruined them because of running. Now I exercise caution.

Anyway, I think I will always be a long distance girl. I never cared about the time or speed, although to be honest I would want to have BOTH speed and endurance. But if I had to choose, I'd choose the ability to go long, and enjoy long. This was one of the sweetest long distance thing I had to endure, because it was just me, my thoughts, and wanting to finish. I always want to finish. And I always will.

To having the ability and capability to go long and enjoy long, thank you God, for this gift.

Saturday PAINFUL cardio

I can't somehow believe that the worst have passed. That I am in my home, all clean and showered, no gunk on my face and body, no grime and sand on my face.

Yesterday, I had the biggest, longest, (can I say torturous?) cardio outing ever. Without prior training. Why did I sign up for this? I kept asking myself, especially during the slow hours with the sun on my back. Why? But I know why, because I love coming home looking back to the worst I have just encountered. Worst is simply a relative term.

The first part I was buzzing. I kept a good pace, easy effort, no pressure on anything. I was enjoying the scenery. Reaching to the first stop I began to feel the cramps building in. I am disappointed and frustrated. Lately I seem to be getting cramps while doing long slow cardio - I never got cramps before. It started during Penang Bridge and now they come naturally like your period cramps. I've seriously got to change the way I prepare my workout.

Refuel.

Started again. Still on a roll, fair pace, albeit the slow build of muscle cramps on my legs. It felt ugly, like resentment or hatred, the kind of feelings you do not want to have but can't help having. The cramps weighed heavy, and I was worried. I rode into the destination town worried. Started to resort to deep heat, massage, stretches, the works. This time around, nothing helped. And I am kilometers away from home.

When we u-turned back, I was suffering. Kept the effort as low as possible while engaging my major muscles. I wondered if the pain was because I had a hard workout the night before. I am 4 hours away from the safety and comfort of my car. The cramps settled, a dead weight on my legs. At the rest stop I succumbed to one, doubling over. somebody sprayed me until I felt like the legs were on fire. No sooner than I started again the cramps attacked.

But I did it. somehow, somewhat, I did it. Major cramps, aches, exhaustion, but I sashayed into our RV place in one piece, shaken, stirred, but accomplished. Cramped perhaps, but still. The last 20% of the journey was all mental. and that mental was the reason why I keep doing this.

I am thankful for this capability. To be alive!

Racing against the sunset

Ironically all the things I want to write about over here kind of disappears when I am staring at the screen. The thoughts were overflowing in my head all the time while I work out - random things like pesky short lane swimmers, after work cardio, motivation, etc, but now I can't seem to express them clearly.

Needless to say, I have not been so successful in making my cardio rountine a, well, routine. The last time I ran, I ran in a different time zone, with a totally busted weather. Plans of doing cardio yesterday was foiled since I was trapped out of the house without my keys... left it in my luggage bag (the perils of traveling so much in a short time).

Today I managed to sneak in some cardio. Nothing fancy, nothing major, I told myself I just wanted to get my body warmed up. Get used to the whole intensive training again. I missed having tan lines on my body.

No one was around when I arrived, save for a couple and their kids. The sun was slowly setting; I arrived late. I warmed up quick, doing my usual 5 laps. Then I did the easiest main set I would do if I'm in a hurry and need a simple workout - long and slow. Forget timing, forget form, just the distance. It was good to be in tune with myself again, although at some parts I flter and my form faltered, I managed to keep myself together. While doing the last 2 laps I remember an entry from a blogger about riding in the evening and racing the sunset. With the sun setting and no one else around, I felt a little spooked. So I raced with my sunlight. I sped through the last 2, making sure I did not let go completely on the form. As always I enjoyed the furious beating of my heart when it's over!

Stretched. I should get my favorite pilates teacher come over for a session. Her classes were the reason why I never had a problem jumping into races and events with no preparations.

Marathon Marriage

We endured the marathon just like we endured our marriage.

The first few kilometers, we were high as a kite, excited to embark on this journey that will CHANGE OUR LIVES. We held hands, excited to be in this long and arduous journey together. We were well prepared; ointments for cramps and hydration and everything else you need for an event of this magnitude. We were confided, young, happy, and oblivious to what was in store for us.

In the middle of it, gone were our rhythmic pace. We were no longer in sync; no longer running on the same wavelength. We didn't see eye to eye - you said maybe we should hold on and refuel later; I was more careful and suggested that we should stop and drink now. When I stopped for cramps and blisters you barked at me. I got annoyed when you had to tie your shoelace for the millionth of times. We only agreed on one thing: there were so few of the goddamn water stations.

I was thinking maybe we needed personal help.

Kilometer 30: absolutely nothing was beautiful. I couldn't remember why I thought this was so exciting, why I thought spending all this time with you was worthwhile. I couldn't even remember why I fell in love with you. Our flaws and ugliness reared their heads. You snapped at everything. I cried and then got silent. We were distant even though side by side, and I was unable to break that wall. Cramps started to camp in my body parts - calves, stomach, neck. I missed the early times we were together. Have our patience waned when our energy dropped?

26.2. When we reached the chute, my heart soared. You held my hand; gingerly we ran the last few meters together. Crossing this line, we came to an understanding. Our marriage, like the marathon we ran, will never be easy. We will lock heads over strategies and decisions. I will bonk hard and you will cramp out. There will be few water stations and many lonely and desolate moments. We will be faced against our darkest inner demons. But giving up was never an option. We will suffer through this marathon of our marriage, over and over again with the will to make it to the end. We can always train for it. Our love will get us through it.

Even if we have to finish it crawling.

Social Loner

I'm never a team player, therefore I thought I'd do extremely bad in group training. But I adapted well to it, surprisingly.

I think there's a different feel to training alone and training with a group of people. I've been a solitary runner for many years, with the other person being my dad sometimes, and I love solo running. Firstly, it's relaxing. Totally relaxing. I could go on and on without having a care in the world. Secondly, it's mentally rewarding. I love knowing that I have conquered a tough distance all by my lonesome, as we all know how low our motivation gets when you're not running with a partner in tackling tough workouts. Thirdly, it's super relaxing. There I've said it. I love running solo because there's no one to pressure you.

On the other hand, when I first started to train in groups, I realized the benefits of it as well. It's a GREAT push factor. When you train solo, you need to have the discipline to stick to the planned speed, distance or intensity. Sometimes, it's easy to stop voluntarily, since there's no one pushing you anyway! Training in a group pushes me to points I never thought I could do. I've experienced it many times. I would be dying to stop and the reason I didn't was because the others were going at it as well. Ego feeds. But this is good, social ego.

I also enjoy the camarederie of other like minded people. You never get tired of talking about the same sports you've just been exerting yourself into, looping the stories again and again. we moan and sigh about the same bruises and cramps and ugly toenails and tan lines and nobody else understands. Ever since my circle of friends grew bigger through sports, I feel like I've just joined a society where everybody else is seeing the world in colors when I was seeing them in black and white. It's a whole new discovery.

So, in order to introduce more push, more meat into my workouts, I would try to do these group training at least once a week, or when I feel like I needed the company and push. I still like training solo because I know I would enjoy the pace and the moment more when I have no one to distract me, or to spur my competitive mode on. These solitary workouts would be done completely for enjoyment and relaxation. And when I need the time to pass by faster through a boring workout, I'll definitely be doing them with friends.

What's your weekend menu? I have so many tempting ones offered to me... so many runs to try to join! I need to run this weekend. I only did 15k last week! oops.

Fellowship of Girls

I had a fun time last weekend with 2 wonderful girls.

It's true what we've been told many many times: the most important element in anything we do (but in this case, sports) is the mental strength and willpower. I remember reading from somewhere that in most cases during a testing or a trying race course, the mind gives up 40% earlier than the body, and when it does, the body follows at an alarming speed. Also, a friend once told me, "If your mind told your body to stop, it will stop. So don't tell it to stop, and it won't."

My benchmark for my own willpower changes from time to time. When I was doing a steady flow of 10k races, it would always be the worst 10k run. If I could survive that, then this 10k is nothing. And then I went to Nepal, which for me was a test of mind, with the heavy bag and knee pain and the elements of weather and the endless miles. Every race after that, through a struggling phase, I'd remember the worst memory in Nepal and told myself to push through. This usually happens when I go up a really monstrous hill or during the last leg of a long race where you just wanted to stop.

Doing a lot of sports at once helped me with my willpower. While a particularly testing pose in yoga where one had to squat for a nice steady 4 minutes, I forced my mind to think of this particular time when I cycled up a really bad hill. I could do this, the burn in my thighs now is nothing like the burn I felt then, I told myself. When I am climbing up a hill and just wanted to stop pedaling, I went back to the time I in-line skated up a hill in Kiara and nearly went backwards from the lack of strength. But I made it, and therefore I MUST DO IT.

The worst hill I climbed was this one hill in Kg. Limau Manis. It was a short one, but very steep. I have never faced hills like that before. I think it only took me about 2-3 minutes? but it was the worst 3 minutes ever. All visualisation of other bad moments failed when I realized I was about to reverse back downhill. With nothing else to do, I chanted a steady mantra of, "Just go forward just go forward just go forward," and, "Tahan sikit tahan sikit tahan sikit tahan sikit," until I reached the sweet end.

The worst race I ran was Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon. I did a half-marathon, it was a gruesome distance to run with bad knees and feet. I felt the pain at 2km and it never let on until the end. I started to fight with myself at 16km, and I think it was only thanks to my mind that I managed to finish the race. In one interview Joan Benoit advised, "Don't look at the mile markers," but that's what I did. It was horrible chasing for one signage to another. I just wanted the race to end! The only saving grace was that my whole system had given up except my mind. I just admitted to the pain and suffering and told myself that at one point this will all be over but before it does, I'd probably just have to go through it. Not fighting to keep optimistic or to distract myself was the best thing I did on that race. I just surrendered to become the walking dead.

Last weekend was a new benchmark for me. I did not know how I did it, but I certainly did. I think I yelped and cried out, "I can't do this!" at 3km to the end. But I had an amazing company of a heavily mustached man who was beside me pushing and also a fantastic girl who was an awesome showcase of the mantra, "Just keep going." It was a sweet victory to finally stop. It was there and then that I wished to God I did not cry out, "I can't do this!" at the last leg. I need to be stronger than that!

I need to remember this for the next one. No crying out.