1/16 of gohtong

today he asked me, "nak panjat bukit?" and he said, "if you can do this, you can do gohtong."

he wanted to know how strong my legs are. if they were strong, i could scoot further on my saddle and pump. if I couldn't, I'd just lean far back and go slow. Of course I opted for the latter. I'm not delusional.

on the first hill - this ain't nothing compared to the second one, he said grinning evilly - i was going as slow as 9km/h. the hill was long, but not torturous, nothing I haven't done before.

the second one nearly gave me a hernia. it was hard, harder when he asked me to scoot forward and pump. i was spent reaching up. the lone runner who was doing hill repeats was checking for her time. i think she's going to syaur all other runners in any upcoming races. the hill was tough.

then I did a round of speed. god im so tired even writing this. it was a good workout, as always, i always enjoyed torturing myself. now going to get ready for workkk.

180

I always think: if it weren't for my knees, I would be smoking everybody.

On days when I could not go on because of them, I get moments where I think, "why?" And then I realized that this is such a small thing. I think the reason behind this is that maybe God is telling me something. If I didn't have bad knees or shoulders or what not, I would be such a conceited ass. In high school I was a smug athlete. I got annoyed at slower runners. My purpose when running is dropping others behind. I knew I was good, and I think I let it go over my head.

Now my knees and shoulders keep me in check. They allow me to do sports without letting my ego gets the best of me. At anytime I started to excel and thus, smugness sinks in, they get to work. Too many times I had to pull out of runs, rides, tournaments because of my knees.

It sounded like a curse. But I chose to see it as a blessing.

This week was one good example. I did another long distance event this week, and although not the first, or the fastest lady there, I was strong. I kept a nice pace (I think all the years in cross country taught me well in pacing myself), I handled my nutrition well, and I kept it together through all the crazy hills. People commented how good and how strong I was despite poor mileage and lack of training. They mentioned it several times.

I started to get a big head.

The next day, another long distance event. I was all prepped, thinking of all the praises heaped on me when I finally finished it. The pictures they will take, showing me in action, people going, wow nadia is so strong!

My knees acted up. And I had to say no. Because although ego is a big thing, I think experience and the smartness of saying no is better. I've learned my mistakes when I ruined them because of running. Now I exercise caution.

Anyway, I think I will always be a long distance girl. I never cared about the time or speed, although to be honest I would want to have BOTH speed and endurance. But if I had to choose, I'd choose the ability to go long, and enjoy long. This was one of the sweetest long distance thing I had to endure, because it was just me, my thoughts, and wanting to finish. I always want to finish. And I always will.

To having the ability and capability to go long and enjoy long, thank you God, for this gift.

Saturday PAINFUL cardio

I can't somehow believe that the worst have passed. That I am in my home, all clean and showered, no gunk on my face and body, no grime and sand on my face.

Yesterday, I had the biggest, longest, (can I say torturous?) cardio outing ever. Without prior training. Why did I sign up for this? I kept asking myself, especially during the slow hours with the sun on my back. Why? But I know why, because I love coming home looking back to the worst I have just encountered. Worst is simply a relative term.

The first part I was buzzing. I kept a good pace, easy effort, no pressure on anything. I was enjoying the scenery. Reaching to the first stop I began to feel the cramps building in. I am disappointed and frustrated. Lately I seem to be getting cramps while doing long slow cardio - I never got cramps before. It started during Penang Bridge and now they come naturally like your period cramps. I've seriously got to change the way I prepare my workout.

Refuel.

Started again. Still on a roll, fair pace, albeit the slow build of muscle cramps on my legs. It felt ugly, like resentment or hatred, the kind of feelings you do not want to have but can't help having. The cramps weighed heavy, and I was worried. I rode into the destination town worried. Started to resort to deep heat, massage, stretches, the works. This time around, nothing helped. And I am kilometers away from home.

When we u-turned back, I was suffering. Kept the effort as low as possible while engaging my major muscles. I wondered if the pain was because I had a hard workout the night before. I am 4 hours away from the safety and comfort of my car. The cramps settled, a dead weight on my legs. At the rest stop I succumbed to one, doubling over. somebody sprayed me until I felt like the legs were on fire. No sooner than I started again the cramps attacked.

But I did it. somehow, somewhat, I did it. Major cramps, aches, exhaustion, but I sashayed into our RV place in one piece, shaken, stirred, but accomplished. Cramped perhaps, but still. The last 20% of the journey was all mental. and that mental was the reason why I keep doing this.

I am thankful for this capability. To be alive!

Broke My Back comeback

What a great workout. After 4 weeks off no serious cardio (except a 3 runs, 2 in-line skating with RPE of 8, and karate drills), I managed to complete this not-so-easy workout with great flourish. Except for some back pain and bodily aches (due to different steed and adaptability of the distance after a lay off) I feel fine. Totally fine. In fact, I loved this workou so much! Maybe we should do this weekly.

My secret? Karate drills. And yoga stretches - daily. Those things really helped. So many things could go wrong - wrong sized steed, shoes, heavier in general, lack of fitness, tough route, but aside from the two mother effer hills, I had a great time, I wasn't slow or slowing anyone down, I am actually ok, speedwise. I could use another bottle of water, but dehydration's part of my exercise anyway.

These past one week, I was cooped up in a meeting room for a weeklong discussion. It's called an IPF study, and being the green, newbie engineer that I am, I was glad I was thrown into this to learn. But all we did inside there was sit, think really hard, argue, and then eat. All the lack of physical exercise makes me wish we could conduct this study while on treadmills or something. Anything to keep us energized. So what I did was to bring weights in and use them around my ankles while we were discussing. Lifting both my legs up help strengthen my knees, and that's always a good thing.

Once I am back home I did my karate drills and an hour of yoga. No excuse no matter how pooped I am. I have made the conscious decision to be good to my body, at least 6 times a week. Last week, the gym of my condo was closed, and it was raining, and my knees hurt to run, so what I did was pop in my collection of CDs and had a mosh fest. I was breathing really hard at the end of the hour. I forgot how good music makes you feel, especially with the tunes.

For your information, I was listening to Smashing Pumpkins, As I Lay Dying, and Bush. Great tunes.

Off to clean the house. Another workout?

I end this with a sobering but uplifting picture:

If this kid can smile... so can YOU

Old School

The best thing about a group workout? Like minded buddies.

I'm always a loner when it comes to doing my endurance stuff. I think I prefer the solitude and company of myself too much to share it with some other exercising buddies. And when it comes to group workouts - I stick by this motto: the less the better. Better conversation and concentration and more intense camaraderie. That being said, I'm not some hermit who despise large groups of people!

Had an awesome workout with an old friend of mine. We used to do our own Sunday cardio religiously until life and work took over. She was, essentially, my sifu. Introduced me to a lot of tricks and insights, and a powerhorse. Last night, what was supposed to be an 'easy' cardio turned out to be super HARD. It was a group of five and everyone is no newbie. I was thinking either a) they were just too fit or b) I am terribly unfit. I decided that the answer is both. I was breathing hard, so hard I thought my heart's going to jump out from my mouth. I felt like fainting. I thought I could hold it against them, but I ended up being last. The one left behind. But it was a good feeling because it means I have all the time in the world to get better!

I love being the last or the slowest or the most unfit due to hibernation. Most athletes hate this part, but I love the challenge of getting your stamina back to where it once was. I believe that if you've done it before, you will get there again. And sometimes you end up being way better. Plus, I like being able to push myself to the absolute limit and not overtake anyone without feeling like a showoff. The only person I love to gloat to is myself... and perhaps my dad.

I need to gain some bulk. Everybody's commenting how skinny I am and I feel like I'm too scrawny. I need to gain some mass and look, bigger. Urgh. My weight's totally healthy and normal (57 kg) but I look like an anorexic (a comment from a doctor!). I want to look like Gabrielle Reece. Growing up she was my role model. But instead I look like an out of job junkie... the real kind.

Baked

A friend summed it up: the journey is hard but the reward is sweet.

Another awesome weekend topped with awesome companies. And this proves just how much I love what I do for the sake of doing it. No hard earned medal. But it was well worth slogging the hours for. The cramps were paralyzing. The aches and pain beyond tolerable. But mentally I was sound. The heat was an old friend; nothing could beat the scorching Nepal heat. The scenery was fantastic. At one point we passed through a majestic looking factory/industrial building that was covered in rust dust. LaFarge Cement, the signboard says. It loomed against the blue sky, and I literally went, "Wow," - all painful extremities forgotten.

Things I passed:
1) Cemeteries: One Chinese cemetery, Christian cemetery and Muslim cemetery.
2) Roadkills: 2 cats, 1 white/ginger kitten (sob!), and a fox.
3) Kids: Who high-passed me along the way.
4) Bridges: Awesome.
5) HILLS - I JUST LOVE THEM LIKE A FAT KID LOVES CAKE.

When you don't train, you're not fast. My speed is slow, but I was constant. I enjoyed the route. And the route enjoyed me.

Saturday was bodywork day. Went for a strengthening/stretching class after a long time of not going and ohmygod it was awesome. Awfully awesome. My arms were sore, my legs were straining against the load and when they were working on the abs I tried not to pass out. Another 2 runners were there and they were discussing about running in the Tokyo Marathon? I love seeing running comrades at the classes.

Then went for a reflexology and acupuncture session. Acupuncture was good; my knees really got a nice zapping. I think I slept throughout the session.

Okay gotta go to work.

Tuesday Run

Sometimes all you need is a rest.

Monday was a complete rest day. For once, my whole being didn't complain about the lack of exertion. My body gratefully accepted the chance of a rest, and my mind didn't seem to mind hanging out at home watching downloaded movies.

By Tuesday I was raring for a run. So that's what I did, grabbed my knee guards, keys, etc and headed out. This time around I was happy and energetic. I couldn't wait to run. I felt like I could cover all the roads - I wanted to cover all the roads. I wanted to run faster. I wanted to go to the other neighbourhoods. I wore my favorite grey t-shirts because I love to see how much I'm sweating and was smiling to myself as I headed out.

The start of the run was already going up a false flat. I like it because it warms my legs up even more. After 1km of the flat comes the downhill. I went really slow for this. I smiled to the other uncles and aunties passing me, waved to kids stuck with their tricycles inside their gates. I was in a good mood, really! I'm running, my legs making quick effortless steps and I'm loving the feel of the road and the constant motion of my body. I stepped on fallen leaves and rotting branches, chocolate wrappers, all the decorations of the road. I ran on the wet grass for the sake of it.

Then it was the killer incline, except, right then, it wasn't killer at all. I needed more hills. No, I WANTED more hills. I wanted to be scared so badly, I wanted to froth at the mouth climbing up the hills with my legs. I am tired of tackling hills using wheels, be it bicycles or in-line skates. With that thought, my pace picked up. I guess I was grateful for being able to run up the hills. My breath started to come out in labored gasp. My chest started to to tighten. I'm just at the top and it felt so short. Just as I thought it, I've reached the peak. I was sorry that it was over. I felt like doing it again, except going downhill is NOT an option.

Just like that, my quick tune up run is over. I wanted more, faster, but this isn't a race. I just needed to lube the machine. My ankles hurt, and I could feel blisters forming at the arch of my left foot. All these could be mental downers in the upcoming race, when I will attempt to complete a half marathon. I haven't been running long in ages. To be honest, the thought of it sounds boring. Who cares? Right? Damnmit, I could be crying in pain throughout the race, and I would not care. I am running, I could be by the roadside eating gum, I could be doing anything, but I am running. I don't care for trainings or tapering.

I don't have a plan. I never did. And I suck with my ankles, and my knees and my nutrition is out of whack but you know what? I'm still running, because it's just about doing it. Life is too short to worry. Especially after a nice 10k run.

I want more hills.

Bad Decision

but not the one that I regretted completely.

 Planned to do a long run this Sunday. In fact, I've promised myself that after all the hooplas early May that I would focus back on my first and primary sport which is running. Planned to chuck out anything else and have Sunday morning for my legs and me. But like Outkast's song goes, "You can a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather," things did not go as planned.

 Instead I conquered Genting Sempah. This was my second time and it was better. I love the feeling so much it is beyond words. So I'm going to stop here about it.

 Came back after shoveling a plate of Nasi Lemak, ayam goreng and telur mata goyang2 feeling the weight of my 'bad' decision. The weather was cold early in the morning and I didn't like it but at 1130 I think it would be great to go out for the run I bailed on. Was getting ready to park at the lake but then that plan also got foiled because I remembered a commitment I made to my sister. Dang!

 So the option is to run this evening. I desperately need this in order to reconnect again with running. I have so many excuses - bad knees, painful ankle, that I'm just trying to be as conservative as I could with this running - and I keep on looking for more.

 My issue is actually not about Sundown. It's actually something that's been sort of bugging me for a while. I am starting to believe that I do not have the heart to run anymore. I don't know why it happens. All I know is that running has given me crap and medical bills and pills to pop and painful nights and early morning, inability to fold my legs, etc etc that I am ready to throw the towel. 

 

 I don't really enjoy running as much now like I did before. Everytime I go for a run, I'm just worrying and waiting for the first twinge of pain. I'm not uninhibited, not free to just let it rip. I have to slow down on downhills which always make me feel doubly tired. I am conscious every single step.

 I plan to power walk the whole 21k if I failed to do any LSD. That is, if I am able to book the bus ticket to Singapore.

LSD Woes

I'm planning to do my first LSD this weekend. Nothing much, just maybe a 10k. Hey, it's a Long Slow Distance if you've only been running 5ks. And I don't want to push my knees just yet.

 I am very eager to join the runners at Putrajaya only because I could fit in another activity Sunday morning. Originally I wanted to do my LSD on Sunday but my weekends are mostly for wheels and they have top priorities. But Sunday I might be running with a running partner about my pace and after all the group swim, etc etc I kinda like training with somebody. So I went back and forth and back and forth with my choices. The only viable one is to shift my usual Sunday activity and focus on running, since I'd be tackling a 21k in less than a month but I... don't want to.

 I guess I'll just run today later in the evening. And tomorrow evening would be the LSD yay! I prefer morning runs but I'm ok with evening runs as well. Well, beggars can't be choosers right?

 Anyway, today I had an awesome time meeting up with friends and working up a sweat. The strenuous  yoga session on Wednesday still left me feeling quite tired and spent so I thought I would skip it. But I forced myself only because of the company and I am a convert to the sport. Finished the whole thing with a nice chocolate milk and - what else - Magnum Almond. Oh the joy of burning calories (not that I need to, I need to collect more!!)

 On a different note, my office had a small 5k run today at the Lake Gardens. My friend went and she told me about this white haired lady who was one of the top runners. I immediately knew who she was talking about - the lady is on the same floor as me and always had a feast for breakfast. She is very skinny for a middle aged woman, but more than one time I see her savoring roti canai, nasi lemak and teh tarik, sometimes all three in one go. A few times I was thinking, 'Damn, just because you're skinny and you think you could shovel all these food. I bet you never exercise.'and only today found out that she's done countless marathons. HAHA. I got my taste of the humble pie. Never judge a book by its cover... or what he/she eats.

 Happy running! Oh I have yet to book my bus ticket... damn!

Malakoff Run 12km Dec 20th.

 The race day and the race itself is 90% awesome and 10% hell.

 

 Awesome was because this is the first race I was surrounded with people I know AND love. My dad, who is my bestfriend and role model and good friend and mentor. He's one of my best friends, honestly. I could tell him ANYTHING (and I did - still do). When I was a teenager and started acting angsty and adolescent-y, he adapted to it amazingly. Most parents, (like my mom), would check their kids bag, or read their diaries and prevent them from doing this and that and this and that, but my dad's strategy to raising his 3 daughters is simple: treat them like a friend! My friends started smoking and doing crazy stuff at 14 or 15, which causes my mom to panic and reign me even more tighter, but my dad's response was: "You know it yourself what's good and what's bad. I have told you enough and I have told you repeatedly. I'm trusting you as a young adult to make your decisions. Remember I'm always here for you." I have never let him down. Not even once. I could tell him about my friends openly: who smokes what, who does what with who, and he'll listen with either horror on his face or a smile. He made me feel like I have a 'good' friend that I could relate to while all of our 'bad' friends were doing stuff. 

 

Anyway WHAT am I doing yammering about my dad?

 

 My oldest cousin - abg zual - is also joining. He's an avid gym goer and have only recently started to race. His only vice is eating fried oily food. Other than that, he's somewhat 'healthy'. My boyfriend is also suckered into running the race! haha. Me and him were always arguing about our own sports of choice - he played football professionally before, and I just run - and he always said that running does not have a point and he can't imagine just running without getting a prize or the top spot. But my dad cajoled him into joining and he had no choice but to say yes.

 

 We left subang jaya early in one car. My cousin gave us this Powerbar to try and to me they tasted like mushed chocolate. I didn't enjoy it. We parked at Kiwi Express Bistro to avoid the hassle of looking for a parking and also to meet my cousin and her husband who's joining the 7km run. we boarded the packed bus to the running venue. My stomach started to feel funny. My boyfriend wanted to pee badly. My dad looked like he just inhaled the laughing gas - all smiling and excited. My cousin was rubbing himself all over with this 'ubat berangin' which permeated the whole bus and had some people covering their noses. hehe

 

Leaving the apartment. My dad's vest and harris's tshirt are the only thing you could see.

when we arrived my cousin deposited the bag, while me and my boyfriend looked for the port-a-loos. They were crowded! My stomach was already rumbling and I know if I were to just 'release' them, even teran for a second, they'll, well, you know. But we have less than 10 minutes so I had no choice but to mentally will my stomach to hold on for another 12km or another 3 hours or so. My boyfriend did not manage to pee too. my dad and my cousin thought my predicament was funny and decided to call me Cik Mek Kemut. As in, "lari atas bukit kemut jgn tak kemut... terkeluar kang."

 

I had reservations running this race. My knees hurt. and my PF too. But I figured it was the last race and all... except that I hated racing when I was hobbling all the time. There's no quality in that. I vowed to myself to try to run all the way. Run, no matter how painful, since I'm going to take a 17 week rest after this.

 

 My PF acted up on the second km. My knees surprisingly were okay until the second lap. On the first lap, my PF pain were bearable, and I soldiered on. I lost valuable minutes when I went downhill because I was a tad too careful with my pace... I went realllll slow that many people passed me. the uphills were a killer - no one was kidding when they said the hills would be hell! but I enjoyed it. I passed a lot of struggling people uphill. i just concentrated on my breathing and maintaining my pace. I think i kept to my slow and easy 7min/km - my easy run pace.

 

 all this were ok until I reach the first downhill for the second lap. My knees started to hurt - intensely. my PF at this point had become more unbearable, and that, coupled with my knee pain, made me stop. i think I stopped twice; another one was towards the end, that time slightly longer walk period, about 10 mins.

 

It was then I decided that i MUST stop running in order to recover. No training or running in between races have finally caught up to me; I felt mentally tired, drained of energy and sucky. I could always handle mental running, most of the times I enjoyed it because I know I am capable of beating through it, but I knew it then that I am simply not fit. My pace were not steady, and my breathing were uneven and at times, laboured. This is not how I want to be running for the rest of my life. This is not how I SEE myself running. I was a strong runner. I was a competitive runner. I was someone who enjoyed running, not someone who was wishin for the race to be over with (I was thinking it all the time during the race). 

 

 Having said that, I actually enjoyed the route. I would never step foot at this part of the city, and I'm glad I got to run through it. There were cute dogs, nice aunties in caftans waving us good luck, a house with funky windows, colorful shophouses, and some sort of a peace to the neighbourhood. And the hills, well, have i mentioned how much I love the uphills?

 

 I think I arrived at the finishing area about 1:30. Yes, it's slow. and it's my cross to bear. ButI wasn't bothered. I am going to recover: that is my plan. I am going to bike and swim: that is my plan. When I have plans and goals, I am happy.

 

 I joined my boyfriend and cousin who have already enjoyed their meals, and also my cousin and husband who have also finished the 7km, AND finished their meals, waiting for my dad to finish collecting his food. My dad took it hard: he's been doing a steady 10km but not with hills, and he usually get caught up in race events where he would try to 'tunjuk macho' and start out real fassst. both my cousin and boyfriend passed him on the second uphill. he is finally humbled! I think his time was 1:20.

Why does my dad look sad? itu muka orang sedih naik bukit pancit. i look like minachi pocahontas.

So my running days is officially on hiatus until April. I am actually looking forward to this. i cannot wait to recover well and come back to running a much better, stronger, and faster race. Oh I can just feel me sprinting towards the finishing line already!

 

 and Project Tri will oficially commence January. Or maybe next week if I am joining kookykash biking. Next year Powerman? wooo.