No Competition

Tuesday: SS class. It was insane. I hate it that I am naturally competitive with myself. I get mad that I couldn't do certain things.

Thursday: Ran a normal 5.4k. It was low key and I was a bit tired from lack of sleep and a heavy day at work.

Friday: SS class. I was drenched. Nothing to say except that I want to be good at this fast... all for the right reason.

I keep telling myself to not let my ego gets in the way. When I was a fast runner, I was a little bit too chuffed. And now I can't never ever get that speed again without being in a wheelchair afterwards. When I was at my 'peak' in cycling, I got a little bit too heady too, and then got into that accident where originally I planned to smoke people up the hills. We never got to go that hill, cause I crashed. And after a long break, I am slowly getting back to that level.

Now my SS class. I signed up for the first series out of the six series and it's challenging. If you can do all the poses well, you can advance to the next level. But these poses are hard. They require you to engage body parts you wouldn't even imagine could be engaged, and sometimes your mind can't do them. I am told to come to the class with an open positive mind but sometimes I get disheartened... and it's supposed to HEAL me.

I guess it comes to my intention. Do I do these sports so I could show off to people, or for myself and my health? After taking up the SS class, I try to reassess my goals and intention, everytime. It's easy to let your ego gets in the way. I guess I was a little bit into my head, trying to master all the sets just because if I did, it's considered awesome. And that's the reason why I never could.

Anyways, looking forward for a great sports filled weekend.

mental block

my biggest enemy thus far is my own mental block.

I only noticed it so much after taking up the strengthening class. In it, we are asked to do thousand of setups that require us to trust our bodies and self. Especially on the arm balancing part. So many times before a particular inversion pose - headstand, forearm stand, etc - I would literally say NO. Even when the instructor is holding me and guiding me I would whimper - no! - and then after much cajoling I got the guts to lift my legs up.

The same thing applies to my cycling. During one of those treacherous routine of doing hill repeats it would be so easy for me to say NO and stop. I had to bark at myself inside to man up and repeat this drill even if I puked.

I find it hard to have the discipline to challenge myself. And which is why, joining the strengthening and stretching class is the best decision I ever made. Everytime, I have to challenge myself to break my own record. It is myself against myself. I love this, slowly competing against my own worst enemy.

Didn't do much the weekend. Failed to go running while Dad sneakily went cycling (cheater!). Routine ensues again this week, insyaAllah.

2 weeks holiday

I do this every year: take two weeks off until the next year. I always feel itching to work afterwards.

What have I been doing? Work, in and out, through emails.

Eat. I have been eating regularly and healthily for the past one month and it's been giving me some good feedbacks.

First, I cut out all junk food. If I was so inclined, I'd have one or two but that's about it. I replace sugary water with plain water or chocolate milk if I really needed the taste. I stuff in more fruits and vegetables. I try to eat wholemeal grains; but if I were back at mom's house it's hard to say no to their white rice (my sister and I tried unsuccessfully to convert them to brown rice). I keep smaller portions of rice, bigger portions of vegetables and medium portions of meat.

My only sugary treats are good dark chocolates. Thank god I'm not much of a sweet tooth.

After the fall, I was pretty much resting at home. My shoulder is still strained, and my hipbones do not sit well. I do forms of karate drills religiously at home, trying to keep the restlessness at bay.

My fabulous form is again, back to zero. I have not been training for 8 days. But I'm not sweating it. There's always time for improvement.

I have been working on my own place - fixing the kitchen, bedroom and storage area. I find that setting a regular timetable for all your cleaning and maintenance keeps your house tidy and in good form. I divide the tasks into daily, weekly and monthly. I believe in weekly toilet cleaning, vacuuming, complete laundry (bedsheets, towels, etc) and menu planning. I also think that aromatherapy oils work the best, even though scented candles do function in closed small spaces.

Cleaning the whole space works the whole body.

Last night, after a good time with friends who've been around for years, I went to bed with a tinge of something I can't quite place. I want to go running. Two years ago, I would always end my good time with a nice run the next morning. It's always a nice feeling to have, the morning air so crisp, and me going about last night's event. There's always something so romantic about it that I can't never let go of. Last night though, I only massaged my grandma knees, thank God I am healthy, and went back to bed, with my alarm off.

I might never be able to run as free as I did before. But there are other things to be grateful about.

Running: The Best Of

Me and my whole family are all talking about this Malakoff run. This time around, few more of my cousins are joining and also my colleagues (upon my insistence).

Caught up in the excitement, sometimes I wondered if i should just forgo my 'retirement' plan and join them in the run too.

It seems that I'm retiring at the wrong moment - my sister (whom I have given up trying to make her run) has been asking me about running, and which race she should apply to.

For the millionth time after my knee injury, I wished I didn't have degenerative knee bones. Or that it's just some sort of an injury, that could get better in time. I look at other people running everyday and think, "How come they don't get any knee pain?" I regard other runners with some sort of an amazement - how could your knees take it but not mine?

Sometimes I feel like not giving a hoot and running through all the pain. But I want to be able to walk during my pregnancy (something women with bad knees like mine can't do). And I'm pretty sure there is a reason for everything, even if we can't see it yet.

So I am sticking through my promise - no running events anymore - at least, nothing that amounts to more than 3 per year. I would not completely stop running though, I think that is fairly impossible, but I would not run until I have to run. I'm pretty ok with that.

Thank You, feet, for keeping me company for 13 wonderful years. We had great moments.

Yesterday, while cleaning up my place, I found a box of things that belonged to me in high school. As is by pure coincidence, out came my sporting paraphernalia; hockey shin pads, tapes, squash balls, worn out badminton racquets, and most importantly, my running bibs.

1246 - my first ever running race number, when I was 13. It was a cross country, distance maybe 3km, and I think I finished it waaay after the event has finished. By the time I arrived, everybody was gone, and the tents were all cleared off the field. I was dumbfounded. I thought I was in Twilight Zone.

1355 - second race of the same distance, which I ran blindly without stopping trying to chase the top girl in school to no avail. My first ever trophy. I got number 13. Lucky number 13. This was the year when running started to make sense.

42:23 - my best 10km time. I was 15 and was also in field hockey. field hockey worked your endurance and speed like hell. Joining cross country was easy because we ran so much during field hockey. We had many different coaches and everyone was insane.

400m, 800m, 1500m, 4x400m - my favorite events. I HATED competing but not when I know I would win HAha! Out of the 4, 800m was the hardest because I always had a hard time pacing this distance. you burnt out going too fast too soon, but lose out when you started too slow. My winning 1500m time was 5:25. I was 16-17. My boyfriend then was the school's top runner but I had no idea I would be marrying that guy.

suicides and horses - my favorite running drills.

Bullet with Butterfly Wings (Smashing Pumpkins) - my all time favorite running song. the song started out slow but then explodes into magic. Great for tempo run.

Rancid (out come the wolves) - favorite running album. I then ran while holding a freaking discman.

Hyde Park - the best running place oversea.

After an emotional fight - the best time to do your tempo run.

Gentle Pickup - my favorite Runner's World term.

Reebok Premier Road - favorite running shoes. I have 2 of them!

5k - favorite running distance.

Writing this makes me want to run.

I spoke to one of the cyclists whom I cycle with, and he told me that he too used to run. In fact, "I used to run with the Pacesetters, even had me a running girlfriend too," he said. I asked him, "Don't you miss it?"

"You've just go find something else that hooks you the same way."

Some kind of personal

I've been doing sports for a long time to know that cotton anything is bad and we all should go and Dri-Fit ourselves. But I hate Dri-Fit. My running tshirts of choice would always be cotton. I know they get sticky, and super wet you could wring it to fill a cup, but I could never replace cotton with Dri-Fit. Dri-Fit tshirts always emanate the sour glue-y smell that never goes away. Plus I hate that it's slippery on the skin. I am way too used with the sticky cotton thing.

I remember being a university student and browsing through the sports shops looking at the arrays of technical garments. These shops know how to advertise; I felt like I needed everything they have in the shop. But alas, the only thing I could part my money with is just a pair of socks, and my biggest splurge ever when I was a student was a super snug Nike Dri-Fit running tights that I still wear only on special occasion, the last one being a 4 hour run with the running senior in uni. The running tights is long, grey in color, exactly like the compression tights you see these days. I had planned to wear it for the Kl Marathon, but looks like it's going to sit this one out.

This week is off to a slow, or rather haphazard start. I always know more or less what I would be doing every night, and hardly ever stray from my pre-programmed cardio of choice. But yesterday night I bailed out and decided to stay in instead, to lose myself in a book. Telling myself that it's ok to just have a day off is easy, it's convincing the rigid and rabid sports ghoul in me that it's ok that is hard. I hate to wake up the next morning feeling guilty over a missed workout. Which is what happened more or less this morning, but I pushed it away, rationalizing myself that I NEEDED the break:

a) My cousin was admitted to Ampang Puteri yesterday after a confirmed relapse. He has been battling leukemia since he was 14, and he is now 23. We've been scared too many times with this relapse game, only this time it is real, and definitely ugly. Yesterday, I saw the person I grew up with, gave up on everything. He refused to do chemo (it won't help him anyway), and asked his brother to deactivate his Facebook account, let his chickens go, sell off his car, and quit his first - and new - job (he has been in his office only 3 days before getting the news). We're hoping that this passing time would be easier on him, eventhough it won't be for us. All I could remember was the time when him and me went to Bali together, and it was such a fireball of fun.

b) Work. Ever since I'm transferred to a project, life is certainly different. Working hours are funny, and I don't really have a spare time to, well, spare. But I LOVE what I'm doing, and it feels like in school except I get paid for it.

c) Knees. Resting them this time feels a lot easier on the mind than previously. I'm definitely not going to fall into the trap of rushing into the running scene and hammering it even with injuries. It's not worth it. I could always pick up running back. I will never lose the 'mojo' for it.

Wednesday today! My favorite day, cardio wise. Ooooooh can't wait until 5pm.

One Comment Too Many

Yesterday was a workot session of mixed feelings. I always love getting my heart pumped up, and that's the only good part of the workout yesterday. Well, I know it's a skill/form honing session, but really, do I have to be commented on every single second? Am I that bad, that horrible? Have I been doing it horribly wrongly the past years?

It was really hard to keep me optimism in check yesterday. Worse of all is when too many people tell me contradicting stuff - I'm going too fast, so I slow down then the next guy says, hey, you're not even pushing it, don't be so relaxed! - and I ended up completing the whole thing totally self-concious about how I do it. Isn't the point of working out is to enjoy? I do want to improve but really, give me a break! One thing at a time please, not asking me to simultaneously work on my arms, leg and head while I suffer from a nervous breakdown in the midst of training.

Oh well... it's called a training for a reason, right? Serves me right for 'wanting to get better'. But do I need more than 3 people telling me what to do? And all different comments.

In the shower afterwards I took my time to keep myself in check. Comments are good, and I should welcome all tips as a positive, not a mental downer. They're just trying to help, is all. But really, I don't understand it when other people have 'urges' to give out comments or tips. I never gave out any because I'm certainly no expert in running, etc.

For example, running in mid-sole vs heel strike. Different people runs differently, that is all. I've met runners who've been using heel strikes their whole life and seem to be just fine. Just because I can't use heel striking, and that mid-sole running is much more encouraged, doesn't mean EVERYBODY has to do it. I understand that, why can't some people?

There's this one guy who just gotten serious with running. We were talking about my five fingers when I told him that I'm wearing it to correct my running stance and he turned to another friend of mine who's really, just a social runner and said, "Did you hear that... heel striking is BAD. Igt, front landing ok?" I was just thinking, dude, really, how do YOU know it's bad? I love the fact that you love running and make the effort to read and learn as much about the sport as possible, but really, who's to say that she should DEFINITELY run with a front landing? I certainly don't preach to people about converting to mid-sole running or whatever.

My motto is - if it ain't broken, don't fix it. Easy. Whatever works for you right? We're all running for ourselves here, and unless you keep getting injuries, you should just stick to your style regardless of what people tell you too. Unless you want to be faster, and if by changing forms could help you with it, by all means, go ahead! You need to train following your goals and tweak according to them, whatever they might be (to finish fast, or to just complete the race, etc).

Anyway, I have nothing against receiving feedbacks and comments, in fact, I appreciate them. I guess last night was one comment too many (from various people) which lead me to feel mentally down, and plus, it was that time of the month for me, so you know, bring on the emotional messss. :)

Happy Weekends everybody! My cardio menu seem quite full for it. Yay!

Nice To Know You, Friend

I have a new friend, and her life is the total pits.

I met her on a rainy Wednesday evening. It was drizzling, stopping anything soon, and I felt wistful, knowing that to run afterwards would be a very therapeutic feeling. But my knees won't appreciate the therapy.

My new friend is blind in one eye, from an accident when she was 3. Her husband left her for another woman, and she is left fending for her kids and coping with the cost of life in the form of mortgage, car loans, bills, and everything else in between. My new friend lost her father recently, and she told me that she has lost the only man who loved her truly and never let her down even for a second. Also, she has a weak pair of legs, shuffles everywhere when she has to walk, which is often because her car breaks down almost all the time ("This car reminds me of my ex- husband," she told me wryly, "because it always gives me shit.") Her youngest is suffering from Lupus, and seems unable to motivate himself to enjoy school. She was a swimmer all throughout high school and university even with one eyesight. She was fast, a waterbaby. But since life bogs her down so much all her glory days is a gift she reopens once in a while at 3am in the morning when she couldn't sleep.

That is my new friend, and her name is Perspective. I come to her if I want a dose of Get Me Out of This Funk. Being young, and unharnessed, and sometimes impatient, I tend to forget that it's not the end of the world if I couldn't run. I go back and forth from being Miss Spiritual, Life is Great to WHY AM I STILL NOT RECOVERING?

So here it is, Perspective. Do I want her life? Or mine, which is - when you look at it again - not so bad at all. In fact, I am going to for a nice long walk after this, and enjoy the view. I could still enjoy blue skies and dogs marking trees and insane traffic jams, whereas Perspective can't. Not completely.

So, no brainer here.

Going Downhill

Too many things to write about, but I want to talk about knowing our limitations.

 I have a training journal and when I looked back at past entries I realized I went too hard on running. This was last year before Ramadhan. I was obsessed. I think I ran everyday. During the fasting month I managed to sneak in 17 days of running. Some were done without having any sahur the night before. My knees were already hurting then. 

 I came back from Nepal with a pair of horribly hurt knees. And yet I still ran - I ran a 10k, an 11k, and 2 half-marathons, and finally the Malakoff 12k. And what did I get in the end? Bad timing, and a degenerative disease that I could never repair. Cartilage isn't something that you could produce back. It's like neurons you see. You lose them, you lose them forever. And I have people telling me, "And you're so youngggg."

 Thats right, I have early arthritis, and I'm not even 30. Blame it on my foolish obsession. 

 The same thing goes to my swimming. I swam so hard and so often and so long (hitting 3k on a normal day) that now my left shoulder is rendered useless. 

 If I had listened to my knees last year, if only I'd stopped when my knees started to hurt, I COULD have saved them, or at least extended the symptoms' appearance. If only I had held back on swimming, took my time without adding a lot of mileage every week, I could still be swimming to this day. Moderation should be the key word for both cases, one I didn't take heed on. The most important thing is sensible training. 

 I have been sick for 3 weeks. Viral fever, and then a nasty lung infection. I missed out on a lot of my workouts. Some days, you could see me packing my swimming bag only to be defeated by an aching shoulder at the end of the day, and driving straight bag home. I tried going for a run and if I didn't get reduced to a walk I would be huffing so badly an asthmatic person would gladly loaned me his inhaler. I remember telling someone what my time for a 10k was and I had two answers: before injury, and after. She said, "That is really sad. Aren't you bummed?" I never thought about it that way before, but now that she mentioned it, yeah maybe a little. Only because I was foolish.

 I would have gladly blamed all of this (my downhill fitness) to my fever but truth to be told I wished I had listened to my body when they waved out the white flag. MODERATION. And SENSIBLE training. This isn't something you could call an adversity, or something you need to experience to learn and get better. With body parts, you go down and you'll never quite get up the same way.

 On a brighter note: Bidor half-marathon this weekend. I have always wanted to run this ever since I found out about this run 2 years back. I hope I will get the chance to one day. Who would be doing this? Good Luck to all runners. Well, this weekend would not be so bad for me either. I would be having fun up north with the company of 2 girls and about a hundred more of men in tights! My fitness is in shambles and I am in the lowest state of fit, but life is NOT all about being fit.

 Remember everyone, MODERATION and SENSIBLE TRAINING. Good, repeat after me, your friendly ol arthritic friend.