It's OK

Yes I'm indecisive, but this time around I think I'm pretty sure about it.

I'm pulling out of the SCKLM. I might be there just to accompany my dad in case my cousins aren't running, but I'd prefer if I do my own thing instead of being by the sideline :) (or maybe be Kash's sergeant of arms for her kedai runcit... after all, I worked as a sales assistant during uni for years!)

Sunday I was up and ready to go for a nice long run to just give some juice back into my dormant running legs. I went out for a warm-up run and only in the third km I felt a slight pinch.

I continued my run again with the company of a good running friend. The conversation was good, the weather was blisfully humid (we started at 840 am) and my mind and heart were psyched. I was ready to run longer, albeit slower. Things were looking up, and my body was warm enough to the point where I nearly started to hum. The only problem was my knees were complaining of being overworked and they did not like it one bit.

They made a point to tell me about their unsatisfaction every single pounding step. But the run was getting good, we were just warmed up and in my heart I could go on and on and on with this. This used to be my walk in the park.

But I'm not stupid, and I refuse to be foolish for the second time around. I cannot run anymore, well not at that time. I can't - and won't - let me ego of running yet another marathon or a much talked about race hinder the progress of my recovering knees. I still have other events to run in, and I'm not going to spoil it by forcing my knees into submission, to which they simply won't.

This is the tiring part of running, the part where I almost always go back and forth between throwing the towel, or exclaiming, "I love running!" I'm tired of juggling between want and can't. It's highly demotivating and such a downer to keep on worrying about nagging injuries.

But it's not the end of the world.

I had a great Saturday, and for that I am grateful. It wasn't as good as last last Saturday, to which I would put up as the benchmark for the best workout performance ever. I have come to totally cherish who I am turning to instead of just being resistant to change. There is a different possibility in my athletic capability, in my future athletic journey, and to be honest I am more than fine to accept it.

Let's have a perfect week ladies and gentlemen.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." — Maya Angelou

Running, not Racing

I'm in the midst of convincing my older sister to take up running. I think it seems to be working. Of course, it is easier to convince someone who's been in this family long enough. Ever since I got bitten by the 'running events' bug, I have converted my dad, my male cousin and then his sister, who is my closest cousin. (My bestfriend is running with me at a later race in the year too.) My sister probably have seen it all. She's seen me in running gears ever since we were kids. I think she was the one who gave me my 'Running Log for Dummies' when I was 13... awww I still remember that.

If I remember correctly, she was the one who told me that one of her goals for 2005 was to participate in a running event, just for fun. And I was estatic since I've been running anyway, but when she went to the registration kiosk it was surrounded by old Indian uncles looking hardcore and she felt intimidated and left without signing up. There went her chance, and apparently, mine.

This time though, I've vowed to make this a simple and enjoyable experience for her. I started by telling her about races I deem as beginner friendly and easy (trans: loads of other newbie runners as well, friendly atmosphere, nice goodie bags, etc). We settled on a few easy 5k 'fun run' distance. On some of the races she signed up for, I told her I'm going to run - no, walk+run - with her. For a start, I'm sponsoring her first running shoe. My goal is for her to think of running as a healthy lifestyle, not a requisite to lose weight.

Helping her to learn to love running makes me think about my own relationship with running. It's funny since my running has been pretty inconsistent lately, in fact it is borderline non-existent, and I'm telling her about the benefits or running, the best routes to run, how to fight the laziness, etc. And then it comes again to me, what I'll always know: I love running.

Yep, I really do, but it's not like what you think. I love running running, not just racing, or competing, or running events. To be honest the past one year my perspective of running has been warped a little bit. It has gotten too technical, at least, to me. All these do's and don'ts, the rigid schedules, the pressure to get PBs. Don't get me wrong, I agree with all of these and acknowledge the benefits of running with a sound knowledge. One should never crash into running only to burn out at the end.

I was having a conversation with a friend today and for no apparent reason I blurted out that I'm a bit nervous about the upcoming race. I told him that I think I'm way underprepared and I'm starting to get a tingling of nervousness settling around my tummy. Then he put me straight. He said, "Well, you've never really cared about competing before, why worry now?" And I went, EXACTLY. I've never really cared about racing, I only wanted to run. I could do it with or without the bib. I've never really ran a race (or any sporting event) where I have trained at least 40% before and I always, somewhat managed to hang through it. There were instances I had to drop out or didn't manage to finish it (karate being one) but mostly I just completed the races with really bad timing, or mostly one of the last runners (track team in high school! I remember those days of beating the last runner!!)

I guess it's just the way I am. It's not that I'm not competitive, I'm just not into competitions. I realize that I'm way more relaxed when I'm totally unprepared than when I have trained for one race. Because I never had goals in my sport. My goal was always to enjoy it as much as I could in the midst of all the suffering, and if possible, take the race home. If I completed it faster, way to go, if I got slower and slower, serves me right. Yes, sometimes in the middle of running I always wish I had more time to train, or those "If ONLY I did more..." moments, and most definitely I'd try to beat the person in front of me, and then the next and then the next, but I do it without the pressure of having to perform. I'm not an athlete - I'm just someone in love with working out.

I will always be a beginner runner, an amateur.

I do not know what to expect for this race. Most probably I'll end up dumping it halfway and cheering for my friends. At the same time, I'll probably be having a hard time fighting with my own self on trying to just push through until the end. The perks of having split personalities.

But one thing I know, the celebration of this race would be mine, all mine to keep. Other than the readers of this blog, no one knows the fact that I'll be running this distance. I think I might have mentioned it to my boyfriend, and maybe my dad, but the both of them, and my family as well, couldn't be bothered with my race addiction. None of my friends (except my bestfriend) have the slightest idea of the races I've done, be it on wheels, in the water, with an opponent, or just on my two legs. They know I run, and that I'm crazy with sports, but the glory, pride and euphoria of doing all of these crazy activities has always been known only to me. And that's just the way I like it.

All that being said - I miss running! My favorite running blogger has started writing again after a LONG hiatus which left me deprived of her minute-by-minute detail of her running escapades. Her first entry after 7 weeks was about starting over, and I could just feel my legs moving under my desk.

On a different note at work: It's not yet official but it's in the bag (more or less, I hope): I got in the Turkmenistan project! I'm going to be busy busy busy busy busy but all the more reason to work out work out work out! No excuses, only sore loserrrsss.

Kata!

Ohmigod. Yesterday's class was SOLID. It was tough and challenging and just plain HARD. I am mad at myself for not being able to keep up to some of the routines. I cannot believe that after years of doing this I am still struggling with some of the workouts.

I love martial arts. Actually, if I wasn't so focused on endurance sports, karate and kickboxing would have been it for me. It gives me such a rush! And to be able to let it rip at the end of the class... aaah pure bliss.

I used to be a real karate/kickboxing junkie. I took up kickboxing when I first started working just because I had all the extra energy that needed to be released. It's not as poetic as karate, but it was just fun. It was all about kicking and punching combos and believe it or not some of them would tire you out you'd scream for your mother. It's funny because I was good with kicking in karate but in kickboxing I prefer the boxing part.

Kickboxing especially works when you're having a bad day - especially if you're having a bad day. The whole stress just melts out when you pound and pound the bag. We usually do about 7 sets of punching combos and in between would have to do endless amounts of crunches and situps. And you have to do it fast and while boxing you have to sort of shuffle with your feet. Guys love the boxing part more than the kicking. You would see them channeling all of their energy just to pummel the bag while dancing around. It's a great rush. I also love it when I get to do the kicking when the instructor's the one holding the pad. I get to give it my all and not worry about having my partner toppling over (girls are significantly weaker than guys and usually when we do kicking you would see girls either toppling or shifting to the sides due to the repeated kicking)

Why I like karate so much is because it's an art form. Martial arts, especially one that goes back to the olden days, always have with them their own ritual and school of thought. Karate, in all its viciousness, is a relaxing form of martial art. Unlike kickboxing where you just let it rip, karate has procedures and stages and they have to be done with utmost respect and discpline. My type of karate is called shito ryu, which is different form the wildly practiced shotokan in malaysia. It's a faster, speedier version than the hard and stocky shotokan. Also because most of the dachi (stance) used in Shito Ryu is the Cat Stance (nekoashi dachi), which I find totally neat and not because I'm a cat lover. Shito ryu also focuses on leg strength. There would be days where we would just spend an hour doing various versions of front squats! I remember a time when we had to squat for full 5 minutes. Of course we cheated. Also it's a version that considers kumite (sparring) as essential. I don't really like this part. I always get nervous when I have to spar. I always lose out because I'm just not fast enough.

It's like 10 days or so to the SCKLM. I haven't been running at all since Sundown. I signed up for a 42k but I think I'm going to give it a go and run as long as I could until I feel like it's enough. I don't mind not finishing it as long as I could run with friends. My dad would be doing a 10k there as well. It's high time for him to get a new pair of shoes. Any suggestions? I'm thinking of getting him a nicer better pair but I need suggestions as I've only been using Reeboks and one sole New Balance in my life. What's a good sturdy pair of running shoes for 58 year old uncle who only runs mostly 10k? He's like me, a moderate supinator.

42km

In short, a marathon is a distance that demands your attention, commands your respect, and sends you whimpering and babbling to yourself at the end.

It was more than I bargained for.

Running in a race I was so severely unprepared for, physically, mentally, nutrition wise (I was a charity case from Yim and Zaki and Syah throwing me extra powergels, OSR, etc... thanks guys) could only be the scariest thing I've done in my life.

But it was also quite lovely. To be honest, I thought it was quite romantic, in a way I could not describe. Only the realization that you're 2 hours away from daybreak, in the most out of the world pain you could ever imagine - ready to cry to anyone in any second, dizzy, sad, exhausted - could make you think that despite everything sucky right that moment, it was one of the most awesome things in the world.

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
- Sigmund Freud

It was just you and your thoughts, and you have to bring them home to matter what.

To tell you the truth I wished I could say that I thought about a lot of things while doing the 42km. I've always enjoyed long distance anything because it gives me the company of my thoughts, which I almost always welcome entirely. But when the pain crept in around my feet at kilometer 12, and never let go like a French lover, my thoughts circulated around these 3:

1) Just a little bit, one foot forward, one foot forward, one foot forward.
2) 1km done, another 1km to go yeayy!!!! come on come on come on! (repeated 14 times)
3) Ya Allah sakitnyer. ohmigod. maybe I should stop. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE?

I did not know why I decided to go ahead with the race. I go back and forth between reasons: a part of it is, in the words of Haza, material gains - I WANT that finisher's t-shirt, which leads to the other second part, the ego boosting 'Yo, I done a marathon - you?'. Other parts also being: I just wanted to see if I could finish this, I just wanted to know how far I could go, and also, I really thought that it's going to be a lot of fun at the same time. I remember telling myself, "You already enjoy running, plus you can always walk if you can't run. What's not to enjoy?"

So I finished it. All 42km of it, of which I spent the remaining 16km walking. Just walking. My knees have given out by that time, my feet were long gone. Did I tell you I was doing them in Vibram Five Fingers? Yes. And did I tell you that the longest run I did prior to this was 10km? (I knew I told everyone I did 13km... I lied... because to tell you the truth, I couldn't swallow 10km of 'LSD' either)

To anyone attempting a marathon, let me tell you that it is doable, provided that that cut-off time is more than 6 hours (I finished it in 6 hours 50 minutes :). I have done it in the most Commando style possible, sketchy 10ks in between, mentally surprised (found out about this Friday night). But, if I may:

1) It is totally more rewarding, and satisfying, to complete it with proper and sound training. This would be a totally sweet thing to feel when you cross the finish line, with a good time, and overwhelmed sensors. You worked hard for it, how many weeks before. You will walk on air afterwards, for maybe a few days.

2) Respect the distance. 42km is a mother with a metal whip and a ciggarette dangling at the corner of her smirk. She is relentless, continuous, daunting, and she will never let you forget that fact, even 40km into the whole thing.

3) Remember this quote, all throughout your pain and suffering, and I am sure you'd be alright:

"Mind is everything; muscles mere pieces of rubber. All that I am, I am because of my mind."
-Pavo Nurmi

I would like to give my biggest and heartiest Thanks to Zaki the running librarian for keeping me company and guiding me the whole 25km of the race. I would have given up to a walk at kilometer 12 if it weren't for him. He decided we should incorporate walk breaks into our run since I was horribly in pain. I was the reason for his Personal Worst. But I have no doubt there'll be more PBs in the future for this guy. There is no other kind act that could replace a runner's selflessness in forgoing the race and helping a flailing runner. Karma points for that.

- Shoutouts to KASH and HAZA who were so inspiring that I felt like belting out "Ain't no Mountain high enoughhhhh" when I watched them crossing the line. Rais for the race kit pick-up :), Syah, Yim, Ijam, Ian, Ziff, Diket, Det (betulker semua nama ni?) for the company and the 'motivational' prep before/after the race. Also for Khairul Anuar a.k.a Metalhead for the company after until my bus arrives at 6pm, and Tey who also stays in the same hostel as I did. We were namedropping Haza like it's hot!