Friday, September 4, 2009

Teenage Angst

Yes I was an angsty teenager. I think there's still some sort of angst in here even at 25. To prove how emotional I was as a growing adult, here is an old entry I did on heartache and its relation to running. God I miss those moments when I run based on my heartache:

 Yesterday I ran twice. If in the morning the activity left me feeling physically drained, the evening it left me mentally relaxed for five minutes - and then I drained what was left of any motherfucking energy that I had.

I guess it's the thought of you that made me do such a crazy thing. I guess you always gave me the extra energy to burn. Whatever it is, while I was lacing up my sneakers the feeling did not feel normal, and while on any other days the miles seemed like an obstacle but yesterday it felt like I wasn't pushing myself enough. 

Heartache is not like any other emotions. Heartache is like a timebomb beside my spine that's waiting to explode. Every time. It's not so much of the explosion that you fear - it's the forever waiting you have to do until it explodes that just drives you on the edge. It's the pain that you knew are going to come and it's going to be so horrible that you always wish you'd never had the honour of placing your goddamned eyes on him. It makes you feel so awfully helpess in everything you wish you could just cry out and bang the shit out of any motherfucker you passed by. Heartache is always a silent killer, and while pondering about that I guess you are too, or I am, because I always feel like dying, as hopeless and as angsty as it sounds because everytime this happens to me I force myself to sleep and wish I didn't wake up six feet under.

I realized that then that the reason I didn't feel anything was because I was actually having my first ever mental run. My body was working itself very hard, but I didn't feel it because my mind was just getting warmed up. There were so many things that I want to run away from, most of all from your shadows, always lurking in my life from every possible corners and I was telling myself to leave you to run away to leave you trailing behind in misery but I guess my body wasn't prepared for it. And I was forced to stop and bend over and do the most normal thing anyone could ever do.

So I'm going to leave it like this now. That everytime this train of thought comes, everytime you come, I'm going to leave it just like that, and forget that I ever thought of you, or at least reduce it to one moment where I lace up my running shoes and run away from you harder and longer that I ever should.

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